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All skin and no shame

...innocence is just an illusion...


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Love In The Ice [15a]
YJ01
beeswaxing
Title: Love in the Ice
Pairing: YunJae/JaeHo
Rating: R
Length: Chaptered
Genre: Non-AU, mild angst, fluff, romance
Disclaimer: I don't own anything apart from the story. I wish I had YunJae and if I had my way, they'd move to New Zealand so they can be married here.

Summary: A script for a new mini-series is left in Yunho’s apartment by his manager, and as he reads it, he becomes more and more intrigued. Unbeknownst to him, one of the leads has already been cast, and the contracts signed. When he too is cast in the project after expressing interest in the part, he gets the shock of his life when he arrives for the script reading to be faced with a person from his past. Someone that he has spent years trying to pretend never existed. How will they be able to get through filming this without killing each other? Or worse…

AN1: I can’t take this no more…

AN2: Oh and if you’re a new reader who has never read ICE, I really think you should because I will make a few references to it without actually spelling it out because the assumption is that everyone has read ICE and are familiar with the plot…

LITI15a




You’re made of my rib, oh baby
You’re made of my sin
And I can’t tell where your lust ends
And where your love begins


An evil sneer Jaejoong had sent the camera about halfway through the performance, had Yunho lunging from his seat to seek out one of the directors, asking, no demanding to know if this really is necessary.

But their directives come from much higher up and their hands are tied.

I didn’t want to hurt you, baby
I didn’t want to hurt you
I didn’t want to hurt you
But you’re pretty when you cry…


Yunho is unable to do anything but return to his seat, watching as Jaejoong digs from deep within to turn into the cold, disdainful, hedonistic rocker taunting his audience with his callous behavior, utterly uncaring, his eyes absolutely dead and devoid of any emotion.

Empty.

I didn’t really love you, baby
I didn’t really love you
I didn’t really love you
But I’m pretty when I lie…


Utterly empty as he sings the same song three times before the PDs are satisfied that they have what they need. Each time the song starts over again, the emptiness in his eyes grow deeper. Till it is so deep, that those watching, those who know him, are all a little afraid that he may not be able to come back from that abyss.

Several times Yunho wanted to get up, to pull Jaejoong from the stage and to hide him from the world.

The world that isn’t ready for them.

Why must it be this way?




~~~





He tries.

He truly tries to separate himself from the acting, but it hits too close to home.

All the unwanted touches.

All the opportunistic caresses.

All the people who think they have a right to him.

All the disgust in the eyes of those who think he is what he appears to be.

It comes crashing back over him again as he remembers the very dark times after they left.

As the oldest, he had to be strong for both his dongsaengs who looked to him for guidance, and he knew he couldn’t show them any weakness.

That he couldn’t show anyone.

He still lived in hope.

But when the hope slowly died, something inside him died as well.

A little faith goes a long way, but even faith can be shaken.

And right now, sitting on this couch as a couple of faceless, nameless trainees, a male and female just to drive the point home to their audience, simulate oral sex on him, he is thrown back to that time when he finally realized that nothing belongs to him.

Nothing ever did.

Not his body.

Not even his life.

He may have escaped the company, but he can never escape the legacy of his choices.

Nothing belongs to him.

Nothing ever did.

Not even Yunho.

The very worst part of you…is me.

His former lover tells him it’s just a song, but Jaejoong knows better as the recording of his performance earlier that day at the stadium is piped through the hotel room as he stares balefully at the camera.

You hurt me, baby…
I hurt you, baby…


He reaches out to grab both extras by the backs of their heads, pushing their faces against his thighs as instructed earlier, as he tilts his head back and closes his eyes.

I didn’t want to hurt you, baby…
I didn’t want to hurt you, baby…


It has to end.




~~~





There is a palpable sense of discomfort amongst the men of Anyang Halla. Filming had gone very late after Jaejoong’s riveting performance, and most, if not all of them still carry a memory of the disillusioned rock star at war with the world.

If you knew how much I loved you
You would run away
When I treat you bad
It always makes you want to stay…


The men are all subdued, even Junsu who is silent, walking ahead with his hand in the crook of Changmin’s arm as they approach their suite. None of them have heard from Jaejoong since the man disappeared to film whatever parts the head writer wanted to insert, and they all notice Yunho uncharacteristically checking his phone multiple times.

Changmin is the only one the leader confided in earlier, and he’s the only one who knows that Jaejoong’s phone has been turned off the entire time.

They are all exhausted, most of them skating for hours and muscles are hurting where they haven’t hurt in years.

“I feel like I could sleep for a whole week.” Joong Ki groans as he rotates his neck, the popping sound loud in the deserted hallway. “And it’s just the first day today with two more to go. Can I have the bed or couch tonight?”

“You can have your own suite if you want. They booked us all rooms,” Yunho answers quietly, eyes fixated on the door they’ve just stopped outside of.

Changmin shakes his head. “No, we stick together.”

“It was just a suggestion, Changmin-ah. Nothing more,” Yunho responds as he reluctantly pulls out the key card from his pocket. He has this very odd feeling and the tendrils of something reaching out from behind that door is slowly caressing his skin, snaking its way around him. He wants to ask if they can leave him to enter alone, but he knows he cannot ask this of them. They’re all much too tired, not to mention the fact that Changmin is right. The six of them need to stick together, for better or for worse.

“I’m more comfortable on the floor,” Ah In answers as he puts his arm around Yoochun’s shoulder who nods with him. “We both are. You three can sleep on the bed and we’ll take the floor.”

“I’ll sleep in the middle,” Junsu offers as he pats the exhausted Joong Ki on the back with his free hand. “I’m used to sleeping with Changmin and I know how to keep him from flailing in his sleep.”

“That’s because you’re the one who always ends up sleeping on my shoulder or with your heavy head on my chest so I can’t even move,” the maknae grumbles.

“What about my teeth grinding?” Joong Ki asks, “I’m ok with the couch if no one forgets I’m there and walks around naked in the middle of the night.”

“We’d be dead asleep, hyung,” Changmin points out reasonably. “I doubt anything will keep us awake since it’s already past midnight and I don’t even want to eat. I just want to sleep and there’s more than enough room on the bed.”

In the meantime Yunho has finally managed to get the door open, and the second he pushes it open, the discordant notes of a piano hit the sextet.

“Shit,” Yoochun mutters, recognizing the song.

The six men file in quickly, Changmin bringing up the rear as he shuts the door quietly and latching it.

Bottles of soju cover the piano, the man playing it hidden behind them as he hunches over the keys.

”Sesangi deung deullyeodo… himdeun sarangirado…”

Yunho cannot stop himself from singing the rest of his lines, as fingers stutter over the keys and the playing comes to a halt as the man behind the piano looks up, and their eyes meet.

”You are my love… You are my soul…”

“Liar.”

Yunho shakes his head, sadly having expected that reaction, as the bitter word spills from bee-stung lips belonging to a man who looks like he’s been crying for hours. He takes a step forward, already forgetting the people behind him, his attention solely on the broken singer behind the piano whose hurt is carved into his face.

“Jaejoong…”

The singer shakes his head as he stands so quickly the piano bench topples over behind him, but he pays no heed.

“Don’t.” He holds up a palm, halting Yunho’s movement towards him as he shakes his head tiredly. His voice is defeated, the weight of his thoughts are evident in the slump of his shoulders. “Don’t lie to me anymore, Yunho. Please, I can’t take it anymore. It’s never going to be ok, when I have to hide my love forever. Love is not supposed to hurt like this. Love is not supposed to be filled with so much pain that I can’t even breath. Love is supposed to be happy. It’s supposed to be filled with smiles and laughter, not tears and pain. This is not love.”

Yunho’s feet are frozen in the carpet as Jaejoong starts to laugh.

A maniacal laugh, that causes tears to spring to Yoochun and Junsu’s eyes, and for Changmin to stare at the floor, his hand seeking Yoochun’s as he squeezes it hard. Squeezes it tight because he’s afraid that if he lets go, the pain in that laugh will take hold within him. Junsu on his other side still has a hold of him, and he closes his eyes, willing his hyung not to let him go and allow him to be swept away with the pain of that laugh.

Joong Ki and Ah In are hugging themselves, staring at the floor, unwilling and unable to look up, for the pain is so palpable, they can feel the lead singer’s agony in the strange broken sound of his laughter.

As suddenly as the laughter starts, it cuts off abruptly.

“Do you know what I’ve been doing all day?” Jaejoong asks quietly, his voice low.

“I have a good idea,” Yunho moves, taking another step forward.

“Do you?” Jaejoong asks, his voice whisper soft as he cocks his head at the handsome leader of TVXQ. “Do you really? Leadershii, you have never been touched without permission. People don’t see you, and reach out to grope you. No one would dare. Fans might do it, though even they have some sense. But people who should know better? They never touch you.”

Yunho opens his mouth to reply, more than concerned now for Jaejoong looks like he is sinking within himself, doe eyes staring into nothingness as his mind plays back memories.

“No one would ever ask you to do what they asked me to do today. It doesn’t matter what the script might say. It just wouldn’t happen. I doubt it’ll happen to Yoochunnie, Junsu or Changminnie either. But me—“ he cuts off, chuckling derisively as he pivots on his heel to walk towards the low coffee table in the sitting room. “Me? I see their faces and I see the contempt and the disgust. Me? They think I’m used to this. Me? I don’t have a manager who’d threaten the might of SM on the production crew for even suggesting such terrible scenes. Dehumanizing scenes.”

He laughs again.

An empty sound as he steps up onto the low table.

“No, it’s just me.”

Everyone turns towards the singer, whether they want to or not, drawn in by the quiet despair in his voice, each taking steps forward as if trying to collectively block out the world that appears to have sucked all the resilience out of the beautiful man in a single day.

Jaejoong shrugs out of his leather jacket, dropping the expensive item to the floor like it’s garbage.

“Where were you when men think they can touch any part of me because I’m too pretty?”

Yunho takes another step forward as the words ring in his ears. He knows Jaejoong is drunk, but while normally an affectionate drunk, this man before him is anything but. The lead singer’s accusations are unfair, but it stings nevertheless for the guilt he still holds for allowing his pride and anger to get the best of him and prevent him from seeing what should have been so obvious, eats at him.

“Where were you when the fear of never being able to appear on television again stayed my hand and my tongue as an MC took advantage of that fact?”

“Hyung,” Junsu speaks up, stepping forward, but he falters at the baleful glare sent his way.

“Where was he, Suie? Do you think anyone would dare to touch me like that had Yunho been there?”

“Hyung, that’s not fair,” Yoochun speaks up, voice clogged with tears, but his eyes are fierce in their reprimand of his soulmate. “You cannot blame him for that, hyung. You can’t. Please stop.”

“Stop?” Jaejoong laughs again as he tugs his shirt from his waistband and starts unbuttoning. “Stop?” He makes quick work of the buttons, now standing on the table with his chest exposed. “You didn’t do anything to stop that man from alluding to me riding him. All you could do was laugh. Was it very funny, Yoochunnie? Was it so fucking hilarious to you?”

“Hyung, don’t do this,” Changmin’s voice is soft in his plea, eyes filling with tears for he’d seen that interview. He doesn’t know if Yunho did but even he wanted to punch the man. Junsu’s horrified expression saved it for him, unable to figure out whether to laugh or cry at his clueless hyung who’d laughed it off. He hadn’t been sure if Jaejoong had understood what the MC was implying, but clearly he did.

How long has Jaejoong been acting?

“Oh, Changminnie…don’t defend them. You’re my baby boy.” Jaejoong shrugs off the shirt, topless now, he fiddles with the belt around his waist, ignoring the stunned gasps of the men staring at his pale body peppered by red marks.

Fingernails.

Too-hard kisses.

Kim Jaejoong bruises very easily, and it shows on his slim frame.

Yunho’s lips tighten as he stares at all the marks on the older man’s body. And the anger within him is like a furnace as he watches Jaejoong skim his fingers up his abdomen, flicking idly at a hard nipple even as his other hand starts to pull his belt free.

He hums as he sways on the table, an odd smile on his face and a strange gleam in his eyes as he catches the maknae’s eyes.

“My baby boy…” he utters in a sing-song voice that brings chills to everyone listening. His fingers pinch a nipple as his other hand pulls his belt free. “Baby, do you want to suckle?”

Yunho lunges forward, slamming into Jaejoong’s thin body, wrapping his arms around him, his breathing harsh as he struggles to contain a whole range of conflicting emotions within him, while trying to keep this man afloat, for he knows he is sinking too quickly.

The Jaejoong he knew would have never said such a thing to Changmin.

Not like that.

Not ever.

“Stop it, Jae. Stop it. Blame me for whatever you want, but don’t do this.”

“I hate that you weren’t there… I hate that you weren’t there… I hate that you weren’t there…”

A broken litany from the crushed lead singer as he struggles to get away from the leader’s embrace. “Nothing belongs to me. Not even my skin. Each touch felt like fire but I couldn’t stop it. I still can’t stop it.” He makes a strange sound, a cross between laughter and tears that ends up being a deep gurgle filled with pain as he chokes out his words. “There was always you to take away those touches when we were together. Remember?” he finally stops fighting as he sags against the broader man.

Too many instances at first that started becoming fewer and far between. Yunho hates it when anyone touches Jaejoong whether male or female, and depending on their situation, he reacts accordingly. Not even fans dare to try and make a grab for Jaejoong with Yunho walking next to him looking like a thundercloud at the airports. MCs do try and touch Jaejoong, the Japanese ones the worst culprits, but it usually only happens the one time, for whether he laughingly chides them for it or not, the message is clear.

Stop touching him.

There was one particular incident that burns in his memory because of his inability to do anything about it.

On stage in front of hundreds of fans, only fan cams managed to catch Yunho’s anger at an older man taking advantage of Jaejoong yet again, holding the beautiful man’s hand captive under his.

“And now you don’t even care anymore,” Jaejoong laughs, the sound hollow as it echoes around the large suite. “Why should you care? Only you know that I am untouched, but who would believe you? No one cares that everyone believes me to be the Whore of Itaewon. I’m very good at playing the slut.”

Yunho clenches his jaw as he shakes the singer in his arms, trying to snap him out of it. “I care, Jaejoong. Say the word and I will end this production.”

“Don’t make promises you cannot see through, Yunho. We both know this is bigger than us.”

Yunho tilts his head back, keeping his hold of Jaejoong. He sees the tears running down the other man’s cheeks, and he wonders at his inability to cry in return, for it is not sadness within him, but anger. Potent unchecked anger that Jaejoong even has to shed one tear over this.

He cannot do anything about the past, but he can fix the future.

Jaejoong pushes a stray curl behind the ear of the handsome leader as he gazes down at his small face.

“Would you still love me if everyone believed me false? When even so-called Yunjae fans believe the worst of me? So quick to believe that I am that whore?”

Yunho doesn’t answer, simply staring up in silence, because what can he say? He cannot speak empty words when his actions of the past have showed Jaejoong that he will walk away to save himself.

But he can fix the future.

He has to.

Voice whisper soft once again when no answer is forthcoming, Jaejoong sings the part of the song from this morning that they kept playing over and over again. He needs new memories, for all he sees are those nameless, faceless, males and females scratching at his body and kissing him.

Acting they say?

Everyone has a fucking limit.

The only way he knows how to apologize to Yunho is with his body.

I didn’t want to fuck you baby
I didn’t want to fuck you
I didn’t want to fuck you
But you’re pretty when you’re mine…


Yunho gives up trying to coax the singer, sweeping the slighter man into his arms, he doesn’t give a backward glance as he carries him to their bedroom and kicks the door shut very loudly.







AN: I knew there was a reason I haven’t updated this in awhile ;; Next part is halfway written. Every single Jaejoong in my head is dead silent in the face of LITI!JJ... Not even Baby Joongie dares to make a squeak. It's like freaking ice in there...it's so cold ugh. Someone better fix this and fast ;;

FINALLY A LITI UPDATEEEEEE OMG I LOVE YOU NIKKI! Been waiting so long for this chuuuu~~~~

Just got back from my math lesson. Omg. Ugh. Yun pls fox Jae pls... Damn those trainees. I can't handle the emotion turmoil Jae is facing. Just pls Yun, fix something...

My throat feels too thick. Yes ... someone better fix this.

I'm crying and getting emo
Aghhhh i love this
Why i think what jae was saying to yunho is real ? I mean in reality too about the touching thing
Only JJ has so kuch willpower
I freaking updating love this , Thanks for updating !!

I always wanted to kill that fucking MC... WTF? How dare he? And why no one stop him? Why they laugh?
there was another interview, during the promotions of Colours, Jae came alone at some japanese show and the old, filthy japanese man were touching him and made advances on him and Jae just helplessly smiled.... My heart bleeded for him...

i saw that show!! the filthy old man kept touching and feeling poor jae talking about his body!! what the wrong with him!!
it anger me to see those MC took advantage of their status to say or do whatever they want!!

This chapter is just... :( I can't explain. The worst part of it is that this is a non-AU fic, and that I know which instances of men touching Jaejoong you're referencing. I actually watched the entire Waratte Iitomo show ft. Jaejoong without knowing in advance that he gets touched by the MC so I was really shocked when it happened... then I got pissed at he kept touching him. I hate how it's a huge scandal if an MC is forwards to a female idol but it's okay if the idol is male like Jaejoong. Just... ugh. :( I know he laughs it off irl and I just hope that it doesn't affect him like it does here.

I got chills... everytime I read your Non-AU fics I constantly reminding my self.. it's fiction..a fucking fanfiction.. How do you do that?! Treading those interviews,fancams/accounts,pics into a story that sounds so real... You made me love the things that I hate..

So freaking sad....I am so emoshinki rn...it just feels so real though...Cold is too mild a word I think....freezing...frost bitten ...hopefully Yunho's love can warm him up and pull him through....sometimes just can't help but wish that his be real...sighs....

the sad part is that this is real ;_;
almost everyone who knows of Jaejoong jest of his lying around
people in showbiz also have no qualms about saying and doing crap like that to JJ
and he's forced to feign ignorance to all those things...
lovely update! but I need to crawl into a corner D':

Poor Jaejoong.. Even a strong person like him has his limits of fighting alone against the whole world. We know situation with Yunho, but when he mentioned about hurting over Yoochun's laugh..his soulmate.. It hurts even more. No wonder all other JJ are quite in face of such pain. But I like to think that while babyJoongie does not make a squeak, he is silently hugging him

what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Jae ahhhhhhhhhhh................ our JaeJae not so strong as we know.. sobs sobs

Hmmm - i think jj can protect himself - n he can say no - just it is easier if sum1 like yh does it for him.. I wud love a protective friend like that - especially for jj...


Really hard to read. I've seen that one video too. So hard for Jae, so hard for the members listening to his words here. Poor Jae. Yunho has to be able to bring him back to himself. Thanks so much for updating!

FINALLY UPDATE!!!
But why I'm curling in my room,trying not to weep reading this...Nikki,the feel just so....I could feel the emotion thru my bone...
so damn beautiful an awesome...My body felt the pain too,it hurt so much...but its so awesone...
some word couldn't describe it...

Ouch this is painful. Glad to see an updatw dor this story. Thanks for this!

Oh god...poor Jaejoong ;; He must have hurt so badly. But if anyone can put things right again for him, it's Yunho.