All skin and no shame

...innocence is just an illusion...


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All I Need Is...
YJ01
beeswaxing
AINI

Banner done by akira_32



I wanted to celebrate someone making me a banner so I dug around my AINI folder to tide you over till I manage to find enough in me to continue this fic...

This is a discard. I think it's from one of the earlier chapters but I can't be sure. Or I could've just stuck it in "discard" but actually used it and if that's the case than i'm sorry for making you read something twice lol.

I read it again and I think it might be Jaejoong's POV from something that I ended up writing from Yunho's POV cos I couldn't deal with JJ's POV. I'm not sure and i'm sorry in advance ;;

Anyway, here goes...

---

Why is he leaving?

Why is he leaving me here?

Why is he walking away…oh fuck why is he walking away?

The chatter in my head is making me feel dizzy as I watch the retreating back of the tall boy named Yunho. I want to call out to him, but there is a frog in my throat.

Or several dozen.

Why did he go? Did I say something wrong? Oh wait, yes I did.

Way to go Kim Jaejoong. You just fucked up the only potential friendship you’ve ever had.

Way to fucking go.

I don’t want to look down at myself. I can’t move. If I look down I will feel sick.

Or worse.

So much worse.

Oh my god what the fuck am I supposed to do? Has he heard about me? The school weirdo? I know what everyone says about me but because of Junsu, no one actually dares say it to my face. In all honesty, I don’t mind if they do. They’re speaking the truth anyway. I am weird.

How many seventeen year old boys freak out at being touched?

Not even a real touch. Knock against me in the cafeteria and I will freak. I can’t help it. I’ve tried and tried and tried to work on it, and to pretend I’m normal and ok.

But I fail every single time. I just cannot.

Getting used to Junsu and Hyorin is bad enough. I cannot deal with anyone else.

I don’t know how I managed to move.

But move I did.

After what feels like hours after Yunho left me just sitting there.

I moved.

I moved to strip off my white shirt, with every intention of leaving it where I sat because there is no way I can take it home. I could barely even fucking look at it.

No, not barely.

I couldn’t.

I just couldn’t look at it.

I know my blood is on it. I can feel the crusty awful feeling on the tips of my fingers as I struggled to unbutton it, and even that brief feeling sends panic through me. I dare not close my eyes.

I cannot.

My eyes are hurting and watering from the effort of keeping them open, because if I close them, I might see something I don’t want to see.

But I have to blink. I can’t keep them open forever.

And in that brief flash, I see it.

I see it again, and I can feel a tidal wave of panic slamming into me, pulling me under and drowning me.

I can hear screaming.

So much screaming.

But nobody ever hears.

Nobody.

“Jae! Jae! What the fuck? Jae!”

Oh god the images flashing in front of me. I can’t look away. I can’t look away.

“Jae! Jae!”

The cold and familiar feeling of fear pools through me.

Like ice in my veins.

Snaking their way throughout my body and paralysing me.

Paralysing me till it happens again.

The images are a mess in my head.

And the screaming never ceases.

“Jaejoong!”

I feel myself being jerked and my eyes snap back into focus, and I see Yunho’s tanned face staring at me. His eyes wide and unblinking.

And worried.

And I realise the one screaming is me, and the sound dies in my throat, a steady gurgle till I realise Yunho’s hand is on my shoulder.

Oh god why did he have to touch me?

The shaking…I cannot stop it. It’s like my body isn’t even my own. I have no control over anything anymore.

None at all.

And that is my last thought as I turn and throw up whatever meager lunch I had.

“Fuck…”

The crying, the shaking, the panic I am desperately trying to hold at bay. I don’t even know where I am anymore. If it weren’t for the bright sunshine, I would think I was back in that room.

I throw up again, dry retching pitifully as I choke on my tears.

It isn’t usually this bad.

In fact, it’s never been this bad.

Not since that day.

But the blood, and the way Hyukjae grabbed me, and everything just shattered within me.

Being touched is one thing.

But the blood.

I cannot look. I cannot deal with it. All that blood.

“Oh god.”

“Jae, what’s wrong…tell me what’s the matter so I can fix it.”

Fix it? Is this boy for real? My laughter sounds dead even to my own ears, the bitter taste of bile coating my tongue, coupled with the sour stench of my vomit makes my surroundings feel even more oppressive than they actually are. And this clueless teenager wants to fix my problems?

“Jaejoong, talk to me.”

“Go away, Yunho. You can’t fix me.” The bitterness creeps into my voice as I struggle with the buttons on my shirt. But my fingertips once again brush against slowly stiffening material, as the blood petrifies on my clothes, and my gasp and subsequence whimpering makes me hate myself even more.

I have no control over it.

“Can I help?”

I want to say no. Because if he helps it means he has to touch me. But if I don’t get this shirt off, I will be sitting here till Hyorin comes looking for me and that will not be a good thing. The woman is more perceptive than she looks and it seems to be building over time. I know she wants to sit me down and interrogate me, but because she is who she is, she hasn’t.

Not yet anyway.

But only time will tell.

People always disappoint you eventually.

And I’m sure she’s no different. Sunshine, angel voice, and big tits or not.

“Shirt… the blood… I can’t look at it…”

Yunho stares back at me, his face serious. I’ve only really seen him smirk and look confused. His serious face makes him look so much older than his almost eighteen years. I almost believe that he could protect me.

Protect me from myself.

I see his lips move but I don’t hear the words, because I’d just taken a deep breath just then and the smoke still clinging to him and the jacket I am wearing sends my head spinning.

Spinning in a good way.

An odd way.

What the fuck is going on?







AN: Sigh...this fic honestly kills me.

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(Deleted comment)
We're all masochists in this fandom :O

Oh wow, poor Jaejoong... being inside his head is so scary and sad. It's like he's already given up and accepted that things won't get better... he isn't strong enough to deal with it on his own though, it's too severe. The things he's been through must have been awful, poor bb.<3 *sigh* I love AINI so much though, it's one of my favorite fics. Thanks for sharing, and yay for the new banner too!^^

I don't like being in his head... And you're very welcome *3*

I just miss this story so much. Squishy young confused & hurt babies. I just love them & want to cuddle them. Oh & bake them cookies.

Cookies are always good!

Jae's POV is more interesting but much darker, too dark... I stopped trying to imagine what could have happened to him because it just made me feel sick. I'm glad you went with Yunho's POV for the fic, it's fun to read.

And you got yourself a really nice banner, you have awsome fans :D

Fans? Hehehe I have awesome readers :P

Yunho's POV was a lot of pouty mouth distractions wasn't it? Funny, but he's really fixated on Jaejoong's mouth... I think that's a bit of me spilling through though. Jaejoong's mouth always distracts me...along with his cheerful pink nipples :PPPPPPPPPP

I totally understand... They're practically begging to be stared at! Among other more uh... intimate things... :P

Oh gosh! This just made me realize how much I miss this fic!

This made me realise how much of a headache this fic gives me :O

I love all your stories! But this one is definitely my fave!❤️ I ll be waiting for u to upload the next chap!
Fighting author-nim

I SHALL RIDE INTO BATTLE

It's so much more worse. Jaejoong really does need help. I feel like reading Jaejoong's version of Sleeping Beauty, but not having a baby and the light that is Jung Jaejoong makes it darker and more stressful.

Not quite Sleeping Beauty but you're getting the idea. IDK what lives in my mind sometimes. I don't think I want to examine it too closely tbh :-/

This really gave a few more insights to Jaejoong's past. Jaejoond didn't even realize he himself was screaming. This gives much more background information about Jaejoong and yet much more questions as well.
It's so sad to see how Jaejoong thinks of himself. Now I really want a happy ending sooo badly for both Jaejoong and Yunho. I need them to be happy T_T Don't mind me though, take your time with the update.

Thanks for this update! The aini feels are back and now I really want to reread the whole thing yet again.
And thanks for using my banner, makes me soooo happy ;)

Your banner is love and now AINI and TT Jaejoongs are kinda eyeing each other in the playground with their respective Yunhos hovering nearby just in case. I really have no idea what's going to happen hah! OTL

Thank you <3
I will wait for whoever wins this game.
Btw I just love how their respective Yunhos are with them just in case. It's just sth I really like about your pairings, Yunho always being there for Jaejoong.

It's been so long since I read AINI that it took me a bit to figure out which part of the story this was from. Now I will probably go back and reread it. Lol. It is great to see you posting again. Hope all is going well and happy writing!

Well, I wasn't even sure if i'd actually posted it in the actual fic so you're better than me lol.

OH MY FREAKING GAWD~!
IT SOUNDS EVEN WORSE THEN WHAT YOU UPDATED BEFORE IN THE ACTUAL STORY (T_T)
/THE FEELS ARE KILLING ME HERE/

A lot of things sound worse when you don't know what's going on :O It won't be too bad...

AINI with new banner.. Cool and make me reread all AINI chaps.

That wasn't my intention heh ;-)

gosh.. so much, I love this fic so much.. I'm just crazy about it.. I think, now, it is most awaiting fic for me.. I'm waiting for it more then LITI ot INIB or others.. I just can't help it, I just love it.. it's so intriguing.. freaking awesome.. hwaithing Nikki ^___^

How did I totally miss this? I came here to re-read some SB drabbles with all the fluff as a bedtime story and then I see this.

...And I'm once again reminded how much I love and miss this story. <3 Jaejoong's POV is definitely a lot more painful than Yunho's but it's amazing to get inside his head too. I appreciate you so much for writing this!

And now I'm going to re-read AINI instead... So much for fluff before sleeping, OTL.



Hello
I keep checking whether this has been updated...
I totally love this story and I hope you are not giving it up.
Hawiting anyway

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