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All skin and no shame

...innocence is just an illusion...

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Love In The Ice [16]
Title: Love in the Ice
Pairing: YunJae/JaeHo
Rating: R
Length: Chaptered
Genre: Non-AU, mild angst, fluff, romance
Disclaimer: I don't own anything apart from the story. I wish I had YunJae and if I had my way, they'd move to New Zealand so they can be married here.

Summary: A script for a new mini-series is left in Yunho’s apartment by his manager, and as he reads it, he becomes more and more intrigued. Unbeknownst to him, one of the leads has already been cast, and the contracts signed. When he too is cast in the project after expressing interest in the part, he gets the shock of his life when he arrives for the script reading to be faced with a person from his past. Someone that he has spent years trying to pretend never existed. How will they be able to get through filming this without killing each other? Or worse…

AN1: I’m at that point where I just need to write before I go crazy. I needed to get shit out, and I’m as always, terribly sorry to all of you for being the collateral damage. I’m sick btw, so this might have come out more frustrated than I intended and I’m sorry. And yes, that's the right gif...

AN2: Oh and if you’re a new reader who has never read ICE, I really think you should because I will make a few references to it without actually spelling it out because the assumption is that everyone has read ICE and are familiar with the plot…


That voice.

He sucks people in, drawing them into his web and weaving his magic on them.

His madness.

Yunho knows that voice and he knows that tone. The invitation is blatant as hell in not just the words, but the way it is said.

An invitation to forget.

An invitation to indulge.

An invitation that takes them nowhere forward but about four years backwards.

“No,” Yunho’s reply is quiet, allowing his brain to win because his heart is compromised.

However, he might as well have shouted it from the rooftops considering the effect it had on the beautiful broken man in the bath with him.

Jaejoong’s smirk is gone, his expression sombre, unable to hide the pain in his eyes.

“If the glass slipper fits, huh?”

Yunho shakes his head at the whispered words, hearing the hitch in Jaejoong’s voice, wanting nothing more than to hug his lead singer. “You know this isn’t right.”

“You know, you know, U-Know Yunho,” Jaejoong throws the leader’s words back at him.

Mocking him.

Fighting back the lava-hot tendrils of shame curling around him, he pushes Yunho’s foot away, standing up quickly.

Too quickly, swaying unsteadily on his feet, belatedly realizing he shouldn’t have moved so fast as his world spins.

And then it stops, anchored by a broad wet body, holding him firm.

“Let me go.”

“I can’t.”

Silence in the bathroom as the meaning of those two simple words hammer at both of them.

One with his mouth dry and throat so parched, he’s almost willing to drink the bath water to get some much needed moisture into his Saharan throat.

The other’s heart is beating so loudly, he is sure the entire hotel is practically reverberating from the beats. He knows his words are true. It’s a simple fact, though he has spent years battling that truth, sometimes just flat out refusing to acknowledge it.

A truth that he doesn’t want to fight anymore, because it’s just not worth it. It doesn’t matter how he has Jaejoong in his life. He just needs him in his life. He knows it as well as he knows the sun rises from the east and sets in the west. It is a simple fact. A truth that steadies both his mind and his heart though his mind well knows what kind of turmoil he is in for. He will take Jaejoong in whatever manner the man is willing to give him, but he will not make the mistakes of the past.

He is willing to give Jaejoong everything once again, but on his terms this time.

It seems overlong as the seconds drag into minutes, Yunho’s confession hanging between them.


You did. You did let me go. You’re a liar. A fucking liar, you let me go. You let me fucking go, and I couldn’t believe it. I refused to believe it, but proof is there. You let me go. You let me go. You let me go, Jung Yunho. People might think I’m mad. Sometimes I think I’m going mad, but I know what happened. You let me go. You let me go. You fucking let me go. And you know what? You didn’t just let me go, you threw me out. Cast me out of your life. Out of our life. You let me go. You fucking let me go. It’s all lies. All fucking lies. I hate your pretty little lies. Everyone lies to me. They only want one thing from me and you fucking had it, and you still let me go. What do I have left to trade on when something everyone wants is not something you want because you let me go. I have nothing left to give you or anyone else because you fucking let me go…

Can you blame him? Can you? You’re not blameless in this, and he is trying. He wants to do it right and all you can do is dwell on the past, on what used to be, and how you used to be. He wants to deal with the problem but you want to fuck it away as usual and pretend everything is alright, when you know damn well nothing is right. What’s the point of that? You’ve made your fucking bed and you should learn to deal with it. You know he loves you. He loves you more than you probably deserve but that’s just your broken heart talking and I’m going to ignore it. Just because he is no longer willing to dance to your merry fucking tune, you call him a liar? He’s never lied to you, but if you cannot trust him, then what is left? What is left, Kim Jaejoong?


“What is left, Kim Jaejoong?” the singer whispers to himself, eyes shining with the sheen of unshed tears as his heart and mind.

“What?” Yunho’s concern translates into that simple question. Jaejoong’s whispered words have the weight of the world on them, yet they sound hollow and empty. God only knows what is going through the other man’s mind.

“Nothing,” Jaejoong clears his throat, shaking his head as he pushes the taller man away. The chill of the bathroom finally registers on him and he moves to step out of the bath. He knows better now, moving with a sluggishness borne out of self-preservation for he doesn’t want to slip on the wet bathroom floor.

He bend over to grip the bath edge with both hands, squeezing and holding fast to gain purchase, and perhaps some fortitude, before he steps slowly out of the bath.

His movements are unhurried and very deliberate, as steps out of the water slowly, his damp skin glowing in the light of the bathroom like a seraphim from the waters of heaven, fighting the urge to cry, the war between his mind and his heart intensifying and he feels the need to vomit or something. He just wants it to stop. All the noise in his head to stop. He doesn’t want to be Hero Jaejoong anymore.


Who’s the coward now? You hide behind your body and your wiles. Your mask is your security and like Hero, what do you have left when it’s all torn away? When all that is gone, what do you have left? This drama is hitting very close to home, isn’t it? Hero has nobody but himself. He can depend on nobody but himself. Everyone wants you for something and you know it. You know it, and you feed it because you’re afraid that if you don’t give it to them, they will let you go. So you give it to them. You all but whore yourself out not just to save your bandmates, but to save yourself. Some of your reasons may have been altruistic, but the end game of it all is your fear. Your insecurity is what drives you to do the things you do. Nobody forces anything on you, but you let them. You let them because you fear rejection more than anything. The last three years have been hard, but you made your bed, Hero Jaejoong. Yes, some people may take advantage of you because of the way you look. Pretty Jaejoongie. But it’s a part of you that you trade on. Why are you so surprised when people grope you or ask to see your abs or think it’s ok to be suggestive with you? It’s because you do it yourself, inviting it even. You cannot pick and choose how people see you when you now sell yourself as this sexed up icon.

And still, you are loved. You know deep down that Yunho still loves you. He doesn’t know how far your madness has gotten after being apart for so long, and yet he still loves you. He loves a ghost, but that ghost is real. That ghost he loves is the real Kim Jaejoong. The Hero everyone sees now is an amalgamation and caricature of your insecurities, and yet you bask in the love of the masses for this “Hero”, not trusting in the love of the one man who truly knows you.

I will fight your heart that keeps dwelling on the fact that he let you go. He knows you and yet he let you go. It’s an old fucking argument and it no longer stands because you’ve lost yourself.

You claim to trust him, but you know you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be pulling this shit again. You claim to love him unconditionally, and you will more than likely try, but you know you cannot.

To love him unconditionally, you have to love yourself first, Kim Jaejoong.

Jaejoong pinches the bridge of his nose, a very Yunho characteristic, hoping it will help to stem the flow of words pounding inside his head. Words he doesn’t want to acknowledge. He feels sick to his soul, and the fight raging in his mind is making everything feel like a farce.

Sometimes you have to lose the fight to win the war, Kim Jaejoong. Let your mind win for once, for though your heart is strong, and you are the love of this broken group, your heart needs fixing. It needs mending, so let it lose this battle and let it heal. Even your mind knows that when your heart wants what it wants, nobody will be able to stop you.

He forgets that he is standing stark naked in the middle of a bathroom that has another occupant in it.

“Fuck,” Yunho whispers a very uncharacteristic expletive as Jaejoong’s body is unveiled in full to his studied observation. The man in profile is a sight to behold, and he is in the grip of another battle with himself.

Jaejoong hears him, turning towards the man as he starts to hum tunelessly, though with the lead singer, tunelessly can only go so far.

Yunho’s ears recognize that song anyway, and he swallows.


Very, very, hard.

Jaejoong cocks his head, eyes empty and blank as the fight in his mind slowly winds down. He is facing Yunho, but he doesn’t quite see the man. All he sees are the flashes of a memory in his mind.


Yunho traces the moles on Jaejoong’s still unadorned back, unaware that the man is awake and smiling into his pillow at the featherlight touch. They’d just gone three rounds, and while his cock twitches out of habit, he is so boneless that he can barely summon enough energy to turn over.

“If I could map out the moles on your body, they would lead me back to you no matter where you are.”

Jaejoong resists the urge to make a scoffing sound at his maudlin boyfriend, settling on rolling his eyes instead.

“If I could show everyone how beautiful you are inside, no one would care what you look like outside.”

Jaejoong bites his lip, eyes pricking with tears at the quiet words.

“If I could only show you how beautiful you truly are, you wouldn’t care what you look like.”

Jaejoong bites his lip harder, remembering the fight they’d had that resulted in the three rounds. An unresolved fight, but one that the very young leader of Dong Bang Shin Ki is clearly still thinking about.

“If I could show you the moment I fell in love with you, you’d know that it had nothing to do with your beautiful face or your lithe body. You’d know that the moment I fell in love with you was when you shared your own insecurities, those deep ones that we never talk about anymore, the ones that still have you waking up terrified in the middle of the night thinking everyone had left you.”

Jaejoong is silent, but his pillow is damp with the hot tears that cannot seem to stop flowing. He doesn’t want to speak. He doesn’t ever want Yunho to know that he is awake, and especially not when he hears the stifled sob and the featherlight finger stuttering as it strokes over his back.

“If I could show you that I fell in love with you because you loved me enough to save me. You loved me more than your fear of anyone knowing your secrets. You trusted me when I had nothing to offer you. Nothing but a promise of greatness than even I was afraid to believe in. It was a lie I had to believe. It was the lowest moment of my life, and I had nothing to give you. You had everything to lose and nothing to gain by confiding in me, but you did it to make me see that we were in it together. You had nothing to return to, and yet you had every trust in me. In my anger and disappointment with myself, I lashed out at you, and you let me. And then you let me cry in your arms and promised you would protect your impossible dongsaeng with his crazy ambition and need to succeed. You protected me with your faith in me. Your faith made me fight harder. I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, and you’re asleep now, but I wish you could hear me.”

His nose is so stuffed, and he is breathing shallowly through his mouth, praying fervently that Yunho will never ever know that he is awake.

“I love you for caring so much about others that you forget to care about yourself. But lately, it feels like that love got twisted somehow. I don’t know when it changed to loving others to the extent that you would change yourself because you think it will make them love you more.”

Jaejoong’s bottom lip is a ravaged mess and there is a coppery tinge in his mouth but still he remains silent.

“When you hurt, I hurt. I know this is hurting you, but we don’t talk anymore, and when I try, we just fight about it. I don’t want you to hurt, but you won’t let me in and I don’t know why. We’ll be ok, though. I promise we’ll be ok. Your hurt is my hurt. If you didn’t hear anything I’ve said, I hope you hear at least this. Your hurt is my hurt, and if I ever accidentally hurt you, know that the pain I’m feeling would be infinitely more.”

Jaejoong hears Yunho exhale shakily, and the caresses on his back finally stop as the leader slips his arm over his waist and pulls him close, nuzzling his ear.

“I just wish we could go back to being Jung Yunho and Kim Jaejoong. I would love you without any of this because I love Kim Jaejoong not Hero Jaejoong. I am trying to love Hero more than I do right now, but sometimes Hero is too much for this simple boy.”

Jaejoong turns fully, but he walks backwards, away from Yunho as his eyes blink away at the memory shaking him from within.

Yunho eyes follow each step.

All that tantalizing flesh.

And that fucking piercing.

“You’re beautiful…” he finally speaks, voice raspy, his throat squeezed to even get those words out. His eyes travel up the length of that pale body, resting on the face he has loved for over a decade. It was possibly love at first sight for him, but it took him awhile to figure it out because loving a boy? That just isn’t done. He remembers when he realized what the pang in his heart meant. The pain in his heart when Jaejoong whispered words of strength to him when he felt like he couldn’t go on anymore, promising to follow him wherever he led, and to protect him the best he can because he is the hyung. He remembers the overflowing love he felt for the older boy as he sobbed his disappointment at the hand that had been dealt to them that day, not knowing that something better was waiting. He knew he loved Jaejoong then, and because of what was shared between them, knew he was loved back. Jaejoong allows him to be himself, all the deep-seated insecurities and all. Jaejoong was the hyung that day, and Yunho still loves him for it because when push comes to shove, despite everything that has happened, he has faith that Jaejoong will protect him still.

Love is love though, isn’t it? What does it matter who you love as long as you love?

“Will you still love me when I’m no longer beautiful?”

And that heartbreaking insecurity, it never dissipates. In fact, he knows it’s gotten worse, and he is willing to shoulder whatever part of the blame that lies on himself for it.

Yunho steps out of the bathtub.

Not the slow, deliberate movements the way Jaejoong had done to bring attention to his sensuousness that exudes even when he’s just standing still.

No, Yunho’s movements are that of a man on a mission.


He catches Jaejoong, slamming him up against the door, their cool bodies pressed so tightly together they may as well be joined.

Jaejoong is so slim he is easily lifted off his feet. Pinned to the door with nothing but Yunho holding him to it, his toes barely grazing the floor, the lead singer bites his lip, stifling the exclamation that is strangling in his throat.

His eyes close when a large hand cups his cheek, the rough pad of a familiar thumb caressing his cheekbone as he feels Yunho nuzzling along his other cheek towards his ear.

Always his ears.

One of the most sensitive parts of his body, and Yunho fully knows this.

He can feel the other man’s half-hard cock pressing lewdly against his own limp cock, pulling at the piercing.

“You are always beautiful to me. The entirety of you. I find your face beautiful because I know your soul and that is what I love. Everything else is just window dressing and it just so happens that you are inhumanly gorgeous.” Yunho’s voice is gentle. “You know this, Jaejoong. You’ve always known this. I am not a crazed fan. I am not one of the company’s executives. I am not part of the filth in this industry who only want a piece of a you, to claim to have touched you or made you blush with their unseemly words.”

Jaejoong’s tears from his earlier memory and now this finally give up the battle, spilling over silently down his cheek.

Yunho feels the wetness against his own cheek and he draws back, letting up his hold slightly and allowing Jaejoong’s feet to gain purchase on the ground. He takes all of the weight the man gives him as the singer leans heavily against him, eyes still shut with the tears leaking out.

He brushes away at the tears tenderly, still cupping Jaejoong’s cheek as he strokes at his cheekbone.

“I don’t know what the last three years has done to you, but I can hazard a guess. I don’t want to fight about it, but we need to talk about this.”

Jaejoong shakes his head, opening his eyes, but Yunho is no longer looking at him, instead following the path his hand is going, stroking down his neck, over his shoulders and down even more.

“I don’t trust you.”

Yunho’s hand falters, stopping just over Jaejoong’s heart as the words no man wants to hear from the person he loves sink into his mind.

“I can’t trust you,” Jaejoong continues. “I just can’t, and it’s not what you think. I desperately want to but there’s a wall between us, and I cannot break it down from my side alone. You have to help but I don’t know what tools you need. You have to figure it out for yourself. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I never stopped loving you, but I can’t trust you.”

“Is it because I let you go without a fight?”

“Yes, and no.” Jaejoong fists away whatever remains of his tears angrily as he shakes his head, frustration etching his every move. He shoves Yunho away yet again, turning to head to the bed, climbing in and scooting to the opposite edge.

Left naked, slightly confused, and more than a little hurt, Yunho turns off the bathroom light before following the older man to their bed in the dark, climbing in and stretching out along the length of the other, but not allowing their bodies to touch.

He stares at the back of Jaejoong’s head, willing the words to come out and praying they will not sound as hurt as he feels.

“Please talk to me, Jaejoongie.”

The lead singer lets out a soft cry at the soft endearment, turning over and seeking comfort in the man who has the power to both hurt and fix him at the same time.

“I don’t trust that you love the right Jaejoong.”

“There is only one Jaejoong.”

“You know we’ve changed.”

Yunho shakes his head, dropping his chin to press his mouth against the older man’s forehead. His words are quiet but certain. “There’s Jaejoong, and there’s Hero. Jaejoong might have lost his way thanks to Hero but he’s still in there. I love Jaejoong.”

“You hate Hero?”

Yes, Yunho wants to answer, but he stops himself.

Does he really hate Hero?


Flashing doe eyes belonging to the man stalking him across the room can only mean one thing.

Yunho bites his lip, heart racing like mad as the beautiful lead singer smirks, eye brow cocking in challenge. Still dressed from the MKMF awards, the unbuttoned white jacket is shrugged off. Yunho’s eyes drop lower and the tent in the man’s white pants leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination.

“Yunho-yah…” Jaejoong purrs, as he tugs at the chain around his neck with one hand while the other strokes over his clothed cock lewdly. “I think we need to celebrate.”


Jaejoong’s quiet self-deprecating chuckle shakes Yunho from the fleeting memory, suddenly aware that his cock is full and heavy and poking the other man very unashamedly in the belly.

“See? Everyone wants to fuck Hero.”

And just like that, it feels like a bucket of ice just got thrown over him. Yunho grips Jaejoong by the waist, not even loosening his hold when the singer lets out a soft distressed sound.

In fact, his hand claws even harder.

“Is that what you want?” he demands harshly. “You want to be Hero, the one everyone wants to fuck, but no one ever gets? Is that how you want to be remembered? Is that how you want to be loved? Do you want me to love you like that?”

Jaejoong bites his lip, refusing to speak.

“Answer me!”

Instead of replying, Jaejoong slips his arms around the angry man’s neck, tugging him down towards him.

Yunho resists for a second, but something in Jaejoong’s eyes makes him throw caution to the wind and he allows himself to pulled down and into the intoxicating maelstrom that is Kim Jaejoong.

Or is it Hero Jaejoong, now?


“Are we going to sleep or are we staying up?”




“Up,” Changmin is the last to respond as he stretches and yawns. “We can steal naps. It’ll be like old times.”

“You should sleep, Changminnie.” Junsu smiles affectionately at the man whose head is now in his lap. They’ve all swapped around so much over the last hour as they talked that they’re pretty much one giant puppy pile on the floor now. Great, big, ugly, but expensive armchairs and couches have all been pushed and moved out of the way. Polished marble tables are carried out of the way by the five men, as they all spread out on the very soft and thick rug in the middle of the sitting area.

Yoochun had started plinking and plonking on the piano earlier, but worried about disturbing the couple in the bedroom, he’d been voted off the island and dragged back to the floor where he is currently sandwiched rather thoroughly between Ah In and Joong Ki.

The youngest pouts as he stretches, nuzzling his face against Junsu’s firm thigh that reminds him of Yunho’s, he yawns again. “Not sleepy.”

“So he says, as he yawns,” Joong Ki laughs as he pokes at the maknae’s thigh.

“How about we just sleep here? Or nap? Hyungs will wake us when they finally come out of hibernation. We’re pretty hard to miss.” Ah In suggests as he drops his face between Yoochun’s shoulder blades and closes his eyes. He is still riding on the residual excitement from earlier but even his body is protesting the physical exertion and lack of sleep.

“You know, I’d be just a tiny bit irritated if they both cried themselves to sleep or something and have been sleeping like babies,” Yoochun growls as he pushes himself up on one elbow to look over the back of Joong Ki. “I mean, seriously, we’re out here losing sleep over them and having some sort of YunJae powwow to do damage control and if they’re sleeping in there, I’m going to have some words with Jaejoongie hyung.”

“What would you rather they be doing?” Changmin asks curiously as he turns to face the three men. His brain sluggish enough not to realize that it is really a question better left unasked.

Yoochun leers, gripping Joong Ki’s hip, he thrusts playfully into him.

The oldest, and newly initiated into the very small group of men freezes for a second, before he blushes bright red and covers his face with his hands.

“Hyung,” Ah In scolds Yoochun who merely shrugs and leans back against the younger man, away from the oldest who is now groaning.

“Seriously, is that all you guys think about? Is that all they used to do?”

Three loud yes’s make Joong Ki groan even more.

“Are you serious?”

Changmin shrugs as he sits up, only to make like an invertebrate and use Junsu as his support, leaning fully and heavily on the smaller man who sits firm, allowing the maknae to literally drape and wrap himself around him.

“Ok, maybe that’s an exaggeration. They did a lot of other things like sneak handholding under the table during interviews, and caresses behind my back, and sneaky kisses before performances when the stage is dark and they don’t think anyone can see, forgetting that they’re surrounded by dongsaengs with very good hearing.”

“And eyesight!”

“Or rub boners against each other on national television—“

“Oh my god, don’t remind me!” Junsu exclaims, shaking his head and covering his face. “I didn’t even notice and when I saw it, I couldn’t see anything else.”

“Well, he asked if we were serious.”

“Ok, ok, I get it,” Joong Ki too sits up now, holding his hands up in surrender. “I understand what you mean by high alert now. We’re supposed to basically distract everyone from them all the damn time. Right?”

Yoochun shrugs as both he and Ah In sit up as well to match the other three men. “Well, right and wrong. You have to find the opportune moment to make it obvious to the audience, but not dangerously so that it’ll affect them detrimentally, to make sure everyone knows they belong together.”

“It’s a fine line,” Changmin sniffs, wrinkling his nose. “And I hate playing this game, so you can leave me out of it. Just make sure neither of them gets hurt.”

“I don’t even notice these things…” Junsu mutters under his breath.

“But what about now? Everyone knows they’re supposed to play lovers,” Joong Ki presses.

“Then all of us keep playing our characters even in public. It’s probably going to be tiring, but it’ll be fun.”

“But what about the production crew?”

Yoochun loses his smile, as do Junsu and Changmin.

“If you think it’ll make them uncomfortable, say something. If they try and take advantage of hyungs, like Jaejoong hyung needing to show more skin than necessary, please say something.” Junsu instructs quietly, eyes downcast.

“If that writer or the PDs try to make Jaejoongie hyung go back for another take of the damn scenes he had to shoot today, we say no. No, no, no. Make up all the excuses you can think of, but it’s going to be a big fat no go. No way in hell am I letting them do that to him again, script or no script.” Yoochun declares firmly, the look in his eyes is stark.

“If anyone even so much as looks at Jaejoong or Yunho hyung with disgust in their eyes, you have my permission to stomp on their toes.”


Four men exchange bemused looks before turning to the maknae who’d spoken.

“Stomp on their toes? Changminnie? Really?”

“What’s wrong with that?” the maknae pouts again, revelling in the fact that he’s the youngest once again in a group of hyungs, and enjoying it completely. He’d forgotten how freeing it is to not be part of the decision-making and just to exist happily, basking in the love and adoration of those older than him. He misses the jokes and the camaraderie. He misses it like hell and he is going to enjoy it for as long as he can for even though young, he’s not naive enough to think it will last forever. He knows something is up, and he wants to be ready for the fallout should it happen, and protect those he loves as best he can, but for now, he’s going to be the bratty maknae whose only useful input is stomping on the toes of idiots.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Junsu finally smiles, shaking his head. “Nothing at all.”

“Something would be wrong if they’re both sleeping though,” Yoochun turns towards the shut door of the master bedroom, gazing thoughtfully at it. “I volunteer Joong Ki hyung to check on them.”

“What! Why me? No!”

“Yes!” Three voices chorus and the expression on the oldest member of the fictional Anyang Halla takes on a comical look of disbelief.

“Don’t worry,” Yoochun pats the man’s back. “They’re probably asleep and snoring like little babies. Jaejoong hyung is probably sprawled on top of Yunho hyung, mumbling about squishy bellies or something. It’ll be cute, there’s nothing to worry about. You’re probably going to get a cavity when you see them because hyung looks like a kitten when he’s sleeping.”

“Especially when sleeping on Yunho hyung because he’s happy so he sleeps wearing a cross between a contented smile and an adorable pout.” Junsu, happy to be able to talk about his hyungs again, lets his mouth run free. “Be careful when you go into their bedroom thought because he really likes hyung’s squishy belly and he tends to sleep halfway down Yunho hyung and it looks a little…uh…” The singer trails off, color blossoming in his cheeks that deepens when his hyungs catch on to what he’s trying to say and masculine laughter spills forth, reaching out to the edges of the room as four men laugh.

“What about when they fight?” Ah In asks, with a smile, never having seen Junsu this animated. The youngest member of JYJ has one hell of a poker face, and his thoughts are usually closed to only those who know him. His former interactions with the man have been friendly, but nothing like this. It’s like a weight has lifted off the singer’s shoulders and he feels free to talk, to engage, to smile and laugh.

To love openly.

“Then he’d have a cute frown.” Junsu nods vigorously.

“You’re so biased!” Changmin blurts out, torn between laughter and incredulity, loving the warm atmosphere he is in.

“It’s true though!”

“But—“ Joong Ki tries to cut in.

“No buts! You wanted in, right?”

“I thought I was already in.”

“Yes, but now you’re in in.”

“In in? What the hell? What about Ah Innie?”

“What about him?”

“Isn’t he new too?”

Yoochun turns to peer at the unshaven man who is trying to look innocent, whistling as he looks away. His eyes narrow.

“Ah Innie can do it tomorrow night. Tonight’s all yours.”

“Night? You mean morning.”

Changmin starts to laugh as he leans away from Junsu and pokes Joong Ki in the thigh. “Stop stalling, hyung. I’m pretty sure they went to bed. When those two fight, you can feel the walls shaking and I didn’t notice any shaking walls so you’re safe.”

“But it’ll be dark.”

“Open the door wider and our light will come through.”

“You’re really going to make me do this?”

Yoochun shrugs again as he leans back, dropping onto his elbows as he shakes his leg. “Well, if they’re awake, they can come join us for this YunJae powwow. They’re the main characters anyway. If they’re asleep, we’ll leave them be.”

“And if they’re…” Joong Ki trails off, eyes wide as he stares at each of the four rather curiously blank faces. “Do you think they’d be…uh…”

Changmin is quiet, recalling every single similar incident where Yunho throws a ranting Jaejoong over his shoulder and heads into their bedroom. It’s a little more sensitive this time considering the circumstances and Jaejoong’s pain, but even he knows that the salve and balm to everything that ails Jaejoong has always been Yunho.


The possibility of Joong Ki catching them in a compromising position is high, but it’s also been over an hour since his hyungs disappeared into the bedroom. And while he has no doubt about Yunho’s ability to perform for that type of length of time, the way Jaejoong is, he wouldn’t last past round two if he survived the first round.

Add the fact they’ve been skating for hours too and even he is sore as hell. His stamina might not be at Yunho’s level, but his hyung had definitely been doing more skating than every man present in that room.

Rationally, to the analytical mind of the youngest, Joong Ki is safe.

However, Changmin lives to protect Yunho.

Despite the hyungs around him that made him forget that fact briefly, he is reminded of it now as he stands up quickly, much to the surprise of the men around him.


The youngest casts his eyes towards Yoochun, whose brow furrows when he sees the expression on the maknae’s face.

“What the fuck are we doing, hyung?”

The soft accusation hangs in the air, Joong Ki and Ah In feeling the sudden coldness from the remaining half of TVXQ.

“Changmin—” Junsu tries, but he stops short when the man turns his gaze towards him.

“Really? What are we doing?”


Changmin stuffs his hands in his pockets, suddenly angry with himself, angry with his hyungs, angry with everyone. The lack of sleep is doing a number on his head and he’d gone from mellow to mad in a split second.

“No,” he finally answers. “I’ll check. Chances are they’ll be asleep or talking. It’ll be fine.”

“Then why won’t you let Joong Ki hyung check?” Junsu asks, but the question hangs in the suddenly thick air.

Changmin’s dark bambi eyes hold a warning as his gaze pins each one of the older men.

Yoochun is wearing a similar frown, Junsu’s expression is blank, Ah In cannot hold the maknae’s gaze and he turns to look at the floor, a furrow in his brow while Joong Ki merely looks relieved.

Squaring his shoulders, Changmin pivots on his heel and turns, walking briskly to the door of the bedroom.

The silence is viscous in the air, not a single person making a sound. As he draws closer, the atmosphere becomes even more heavy and yet he feels lighter with each step. Jaejoong isn’t the quiet sort, so when it’s silent, it means the coast is clear…right?

His hand lands on the doorknob and there is no hesitation as he turns it.


The second their lips touch, Jaejoong bursts into tears.

Yunho pulls back, He lifts himself away from the sobbing man though, his heart breaking, wanting nothing more than to comfort him, but he needs Jaejoong to figure this out for himself. He cannot do it for him.

“Kiss me, Jaejoong,” his voice still holding that strained harsh note as if he’s about to lose it.

Instead of kissing him, Jaejoong stuffs his knuckles in his mouth to keep the terrible sobbing at bay. It’s as if a dam has broken yet again. This is one of the craziest day and night of his life. He wants nothing more than to kiss Yunho, but he just can’t seem to fucking stop crying. His soul hurts so much.

“There’s no one here. No cameras, no people, no audience. Kiss me,” Yunho’s voice is taunting, still angry, but not only at Jaejoong. The anger is inward as well.

Jaejoong’s eye lashes flutter, tears clinging to them, he is the very picture of heartbroken misery as he stares up at the overwhelming man demanding that he complete what he started.

“It’s just you and me. You and me. Jaejoong and Yunho. What are you afraid of? Kiss me.”

“I d-d-don’t—“

“You don’t what, Jaejoong? You don’t want to kiss me? A minute ago you pulled me down and now you don’t want it anymore? Make up your mind.”

“I don’t want you to love me like everyone loves Hero.”

“Then stop being Hero and be my Jaejoongie. God, why is it so fucking hard?” The anger leaves him just as quickly as it had entered him. He knows it isn’t as simple as that. Even as he’d uttered the words, he knows it is harder than that. He sinks into the bed, sliding down, and rolling onto his back, throwing his arm over his eyes to hide his tears.

Why can’t he make him see? Why can’t he make Jaejoong see?

Jaejoong turns, wiping away what remains of his tears, he looks at the defeated body of his leader. The man he swore to protect all those years ago. He knows Yunho is crying from the way the man is exhaling through his mouth so as not to sniff.

He crawls over the man, his heart hurting when Yunho flinches when their bodies make contact. He lies on Yunho’s right, settling down in the pillow before he tries to mend what he’d broken.

Yunho feels Jaejoong’s hand tugging at his wrist, but he ignores it. He doesn’t want to deal with him anymore tonight. He’s tired in every single possible way, and he knows there is no comfort coming his way.

The comfort he needs is for his soul, for the pain runs deep.

Jaejoong’s pain that is.

His lead singer’s pain is his pain.

The man’s crippling insecurity is something Yunho carries alone because he knows part of the blame is his.

When tugging doesn’t bring the man to him, Jaejoong does the only thing left to him.

He moves Yunho bodily.

Leaning over, slipping his arm underneath the back of Yunho’s head, he half scoops up the man, using his weight and strength to pull Yunho onto him.

He knows full well that Yunho is within his rights to reject him, but he doesn’t. The younger man wipes away at his eyes with his free hand, before wrapping his arm around Jaejoong’s waist and settling against him, forehead resting against the older man’s jaw.

Jaejoong strokes at Yunho’s hairline, fingers gently untangling the damp sweaty fringe, humming a lullaby from long ago.

A song that brings a fresh wave of love and hope to Yunho when he recognizes it.

It’s a song from a time long gone, when they were both teenagers, and Yunho needed to be comforted by the older boy who had promised to protect him. They are in the exact same position as they were that time a decade ago.

His arm tightens around Jaejoong’s impossibly slim waist, silently asking.

And Jaejoong knows. He knows the answer to that silent question.

“I remember, dongsaeng...”

Yunho’s body sinks into Jaejoong’s at those quiet words, heart, mind and soul finally at rest, and he gives in to the exhaustion that has made him more volatile than usual. He remembers his own solemn vow.

“I’ll be here when you wake…”

Jaejoong’s eyes prick with tears, but his humming doesn’t falter, nor do his gentle caresses.

The leader of TVXQ is asleep within five minutes.


Changmin’s eyes light upon the two still bodies in the middle of the bed. There is some light coming in from the windows, but it isn’t enough for him, pushing the door open a little more.


His eyes meet Jaejoong’s who stares at him silently, and his heart skips a beat.

He has seen the couple in this position before.

And he has seen that look in Jaejoong’s eyes before.

People always assume that as the leader, Yunho is the protector.

Not right now.

Not like this.

Jaejoong will bring down the wrath of Hades himself on anyone who fucks with Yunho in that moment.

Changmin exhales shakily, unable to hold Jaejoong’s gaze as he backs away and out of the room shutting the door quietly before turning to face the group of expectant faces staring at him.


“Remember the night after our first performance in Japan?”

Junsu frowns instantly. “Yes.”

“Oh,” Yoochun’s expression morphs between several different emotions before finally landing on one.


“Are they…?” Junsu asks, his question trailing off as he looks at his dongsaeng’s sombre expression.


Junsu turns towards the two confused older men not privy to their history. “Don’t worry, everything will be alright.”

“How do you know that?”

“Jaejoong hyung will kill anyone who dares to say otherwise.”

AN: Don’t murder me :-/ I feel so wrung out. I literally feel like I just went to battle, and tbh, IDT I won because ugh. Just…yeah. I’m sorry you’re collateral damage.

i literally had my eyes like O.O long time no see xD
ok gonna go read it first n also thank u for making my day :D

Lol! Sorry, it's been really busy and I only managed to write cos i'm sick and on forced bed rest OTL

Well, that was an emotional roller coaster. I almost passed out from relief at the end there. I swear to God, they're going to be the death of me.

You and me both!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, I know exactly what you mean about almost passing out from relief ;; And they will definitely be the death of me.

Waaah thanks for updating this story :) Im so happy... you literally made my day

I'm glad :-) And you're very welcome.

OH.MY.GOD...an update!!!!.../off to read..

Haha everyone's reactions are kinda similar. I guess I have been gone awhile o_O

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i didn't believe my eyes the first time I saw this, like o.O
anyway, I was skipping a lot while read it before so I only remember a little bit here and there but I read every single word this time and oh.my.god it hurts so much but i like it a lot.
thanks for update n__n

Yeah, I think with my fics if you skip heaps you're gonna miss stuff. I'm glad you decided to read every single word this time :-)

an update ;;;; thank you ♥

I thought I was hallucinating, or that this was a spinoff drabble thing.
So much epiphany in one chapter, goodness. You are awesome as always
Loved it!

Hahahahaha omg I actually did want to post a LITI drabble and then decided what the hell I should just write the damn thing. I don't like writing non-AU cos there's so many things to take into account so i'm glad you loved it.

you are back...with LITI..thank you :-* #deep bow

Oh my....
wow, talk about a rollercoaster of emotions. YunJae are really the only ones who can fix each other. The sheer pain in their conversation....

I loved the way Changmin got to be a maknae again. "Stomp on their toes" indeed! It made me smile a lot. How I want this for him IRL once more ;;

And that ending. Wow. Yunho's always seen as the protector, but who protects the protector? Jaejoong does. As he always has, and he always will.

I've missed this fic like crazy, so thank you for updating!

I admit I giggled like hell over the toe stomping. I think being partner to Yunho has forced him to grow up, but then we can totally see the maknae in him still because holy shit does Yunho spoil him to death.

Jaejoong has lost his way tbh…this is just a temporary balm. I hope he learns to make it permanent.

Whoa, I wasn't expecting this when I checked my feed.  Good update, hope all is going well for you in work and your personal life!

Work is crazy and my family is great. Same old ;-) Hehe I like sneaking up on people :P

And I was listening to Nina's Simon "Blackbird" and I literally teared while reading this so beautiful and melancholic
You make me feel so many feels love anger suffocating and then we called it in Greek "katharsis" and now i'm sure convinced everything will work just fine cause Jaejoong will protect him and Yunho is the only one that can heal Jaejoong!!

Why you wanna fly…blackbird? You're ain't never gonna fly… T________________T

I was so frustrated writing this. Like, I could feel Yunho's anger and frustration and Jaejoong's despair and the storm in his head was driving ME crazy cos really, it's my head isn't it? Sigh…this was a very exhausting chapter to write I have to say.

Hope you feel better soon.

I missed you and your stories. This is great. Just got my yunjae fix. Hehehe

I'll be fine :-) I'm glad you liked it. Thank you!

And i actually crying..
Goshhh... the problem between them are so emotionaly deep..
To read this story is like eating simalakama fruit (a quote from my country: that either of your choice is good) if i read it: will make me died inside with just how the story feels so real (with the emotion and interaction), but if i didn't read it: will make me curios as hell (ughh..)

I love the story.. like i love a rollercoaster..

Thanks for the update.. and stay healthy..

You have no idea how much happiness this brought me.  Thank you sooooo much for updating. This is my most favorite story♡♡♡♡♡

Edited at 2015-02-12 09:37 pm (UTC)