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All skin and no shame

...innocence is just an illusion...

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Update 2.0

So this is gonna be a little strange. There's still too much that i'm not prepared to share but just know that life took me on a curveball I could never imagine. There’s been so many changes in my life that I don’t know what to tell you guys except thank you for your words of support to my husband and my family. He suffered more than I did while I’ve been sick because I was blissfully unaware while he had to face the reality of the whole thing and keep our family together. I will never ever be able to express how grateful I am for him, to him, and the strength it took for him to do the things he has. He never ever needs to prove he loves me for the rest of our lives because the last 5+ months is testament to how much he knows and loves me. I honestly don’t think anyone who knows me even half of how well he knows me would have been able to bring me back. I know I’m being a little cryptic but for his sake, some things will remain private. Just know that I’m not the same Nicki, but I’m getting there, and if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here at all. And before anyone thinks the worse, I wasn’t dying or anything like that though in some ways, death may have been easier because at least there’s closure. I am still struggling to figure out what is going on and what to do, and while I will take a step back from fandom, know that besides my husband, TVXQ played a big role in getting me back.

Things are still being re-introduced to me in steps/stages. He won't let me get on my twitter account yet because it's too confusing but he thought my LJ might help and it has in a few ways. I don't know if I should try and write again because I have lost quite a bit of myself that i'm really not the same person anymore. I made a lot of notes before I feel ill though so I can probably guess how a story is going to run but I don't recognise anything i've written so i'm concerned about how it will "sound".

Anyway, that's not important really. I feel overwhelmed most days and i'm really just taking each day as it comes. To everyone who is still around, thank you always for your support and I am grateful for it. I almost feel like a twin, looking at the words you're sending to my twin because it doesn't feel like you're talking to me but I know you are. I'm rambling and make no sense but M thought it would be good for me to update everyone myself rather than have him do it so here I am.

Keep your loved ones close and take care.


Omg,, thanks god,,, thank you  for stay with us ,,T_T
There is not the words can describe how i'm feeling
Just you being well is enough for me

Nikki oh my god Nikki.

I can't tell you how glad I am to see you're doing better and I am honestly so happy from the bottom of my heart. I don't feel very coherent right now and honestly my tears are blurring my screen but I am truly truly truly glad you're doing better for your sake and for your family's.

I don't know if you check your LINE account anymore but we've missed you so much and I can't believe I'm seeing a post from you on LJ. Great, I'm blubbering again.

In short, I'm so happy you're doing better and wish you lots of love and happiness and a speedy recovery.


I’m glad you are recovering and hope that each day brings more improvement. Profound changes of any kind are best faced with a strong system of support. Best wishes to you, M and your family, and I pray that you find peace within yourself in the days ahead.

Stay strong,


Edited at 2018-09-08 06:07 am (UTC)

thank you for telling us, and hope you will be okay.

Omg I'm so relieved that you're okay in a sense that what you've been through wasn't life threatening. So I'm glad you decided to drop by. My heart goes to you and all your family. Be strong and everything will be fine.
Regardless of your comeback as an author, I hope your life would go back on track soon. And if you still would like to write, absolutely, I will always be here to read.

I've been missing you.

Take care and thank god you're okay.

Hi Niki, i am glad that you've become better. I just received an email about your update and i logged into LJ asap. I've also stopped using LJ during ur hiatus. Recently, i miss ur writing , so i re read ur stories again. I'm really thankful to you for ur contributions in YJ fandom. Please take your time for speedy recovery process. Wishing you all the best as always. <3

Wishing you all the best. I'm glad to hear from you.

I hope you well and I'm so glad your loved ones beside you,
I just back from my sickness, I don't know if it's same but I'm changed...not like before and all that time brought me to you, read your fics help me to endure what I also fought,
I'm so grateful to your husband and his love for you...
I also still fight with what happened to me, so we fight together...I'm really crying when you post...sigh...I'll keep support you no matter what happened,
I don't know you know this person, it's koenyilz in twitter and finally I could meet her and I realize that I'm so thankful that I'm not following my heart to back down and on that time I also read your stories...

Thank you for posting and I, we, will always together with you

I hope for better days for you and for your whole family ♥️

Hi Nikki,
I was just passing by to re-read your stories when I saw your post. I am so happy that you are doing better now. Thank you so much for coming back and I am so happy right now!
I wish you and your family all the best and I hope that you know that we will support you no matter what!


Dear Nicki

While studying at the Art University, my elderly teacher told me: "you are blessed with talent, it will always save you, you will be happy just for a few minutes every day if you dedicate it to creation. Most people did not get this chance."

I remembered these words, then I told them to all my students, and I tell them to you now. Because they have proved true, art has helped me overcome very difficult moments in my life. I hope that every day brings to you the positive energy you need for your full recovery.

(...excuse my bad english...)

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Thank god you are better. I was praying for you and your family. I’m glad you have a great husband that is your source of strength and your rock. Take it easy Nikki. Always know there Are people out there that care for you.

Hi Nicki!!
It's a pleasant surprise when I saw an email that you posted a new post here.
I am happy you give your time to update us about you and your situation. It's really great and I am glad to hear you are getting better. I may not know you personally but just so you know that I will always support and pray for you.
Take care 😊🤗

Edited at 2018-09-08 06:45 am (UTC)

I’m glad to know you are improving and that you and your husband have been able to hold your family together. Whether you write again or not I’m wishing you both the very best.