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All skin and no shame

...innocence is just an illusion...

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Update 2.0

So this is gonna be a little strange. There's still too much that i'm not prepared to share but just know that life took me on a curveball I could never imagine. There’s been so many changes in my life that I don’t know what to tell you guys except thank you for your words of support to my husband and my family. He suffered more than I did while I’ve been sick because I was blissfully unaware while he had to face the reality of the whole thing and keep our family together. I will never ever be able to express how grateful I am for him, to him, and the strength it took for him to do the things he has. He never ever needs to prove he loves me for the rest of our lives because the last 5+ months is testament to how much he knows and loves me. I honestly don’t think anyone who knows me even half of how well he knows me would have been able to bring me back. I know I’m being a little cryptic but for his sake, some things will remain private. Just know that I’m not the same Nicki, but I’m getting there, and if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here at all. And before anyone thinks the worse, I wasn’t dying or anything like that though in some ways, death may have been easier because at least there’s closure. I am still struggling to figure out what is going on and what to do, and while I will take a step back from fandom, know that besides my husband, TVXQ played a big role in getting me back.

Things are still being re-introduced to me in steps/stages. He won't let me get on my twitter account yet because it's too confusing but he thought my LJ might help and it has in a few ways. I don't know if I should try and write again because I have lost quite a bit of myself that i'm really not the same person anymore. I made a lot of notes before I feel ill though so I can probably guess how a story is going to run but I don't recognise anything i've written so i'm concerned about how it will "sound".

Anyway, that's not important really. I feel overwhelmed most days and i'm really just taking each day as it comes. To everyone who is still around, thank you always for your support and I am grateful for it. I almost feel like a twin, looking at the words you're sending to my twin because it doesn't feel like you're talking to me but I know you are. I'm rambling and make no sense but M thought it would be good for me to update everyone myself rather than have him do it so here I am.

Keep your loved ones close and take care.


I already said it on twitter and I'm going to say it again: Glad to see you back (and taking it easy). Just focus on your health and family. That is most important. Your stories can wait and We can wait from them too.

Hi Nicki
This my first comment on your LJ.. so I'm so sorry
I love your yunjae fics..from now on, I'll try to leave comment in your fics
I don't know what trully happend to you, but I hope n pray to God u will getting better..
N feel greatful u hv people who love u so much who will never give up on u. Your husband n ur family.. so, for them, please don't give up ne ^^
Take ur time, heal better.. if TVXQ, yunjae n your LJ can make u feel better, hold it to your heart..
Love u..
Always Kept The Faith

I truly hope you find a sense of yourself soon, but even if you don't you have the comfort of knowing how much your family loves you. I hope you continue to find contentment in that. Get well soon x

Dear Nicki,

I'm so, so thankful to hear that you are doing better, and I hope that you continue to get well.

All the stories you've written have touched so many of us throughout the years, and we will always be thankful that you shared those with us. Right now, more than anything, your health and recovery is important. I will always keep you and your family in my prayers. <3

As your birthday approaches(for me it's the 14th), I find myself thinking about you more and I hope you know you come to our hearts and minds often. It is truly amazing how your 'therapy' of writing touched so many. I'm still looking in periodically and more importantly, praying daily for you and your family.

Just wanted you to know, whenever you read this or it gets relayed to you, you are loved and missed. Take care.

I'm glad you are better now, and its so good to hear from you. I wish you lots of love and happiness.
I've been missing you.
Take care and all the best for you..

It's been a while since I have been here as I have been busy. I just remembered to check how are you and I saw your update. It was nice hearing from you and whatever it is, I wish you the best for your full recovery.

Be well and thanks to your hubby for taking care of you.


Hello. . I have been a fan of your work since ice and love in the ice era .. i read and reread ur fics all the time .. i feel like they kind of changed me in a way .. you are my favorite author tbh and i love you
These past couple of months i have been busy with life and my studies so i am kinda out
It is 4 am in my country and i just saw the post your husband put and now this ... i am so sorry for my late response .. i hope you are doing well . And o hope that you recovored well .
Your husband is an amazing man and i hope all the best for both of you
U hepled me alot with your fics( even if u didnt kn t .. u did ) just ike tvxq heped you .imhere if u need anything.. will gladly be a shoulder you lay on . An ear that listens to your prblms ... r just a frnd
Take it easy and good luck with your life and all

Silent/not-so-silent fan of yours from Algeria

Hi Nick, just stumbled upon this. Wishing you the best for you and your family. And thank you for your writings. I always check your LJ when i need refreshments, yes i always re-read SB, Ice, Tattooist over and over. It gets me refreshed!
I shall repeat again, stay healthy! 😍

Hi nikki,

Im so glad u r getting better.. I used to read all ur fics everynite before i went to sleep but since works being hard with me, i seldom read n straight away doze when i hit the bed..

So, it quite a shock when i heard that u not well n im praying for ur health n fast recovering.. N im happy that u r getting there..

Thank you for still keeping this n take care of urself :)

I come back to re-read your stories every so often and think of you whenever I do. Hope your health is continuing to improve and that you and your family are all doing well.