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All skin and no shame

...innocence is just an illusion...

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Three Years Later... [1/3]
Title: Three Years Later...
Pairing: YunJae
Rating: PG
Length: Three-shot
Genre: Angst, non-AU
Disclaimer: I don't own anything apart from the story. I wish I had YunJae and if I had my way, they'd move to New Zealand so they can be civil-unionised here :P
Summary: The lawsuit is over. All that is left are two parts of a whole, fighting for their own survival, and fighting against each other. Forgetting is impossible, forgiving is another matter altogether. Time heals all woulds they say. But this wound…

AN: I'm sorry...

Meet me under the bridge in three years from the date on this note.

Yunho stares at the piece of paper, crumpled and folded and handled so many times the paper is worn thin, smudged and almost unrecognisable from the plain white printer paper it was torn from all those years ago. He may be forgetful, but this is the one thing he has never been able to forget.

The day Jaejoong walked out on him, taking two of their members with him.

He continues to stare, trying to forget, wishing he can forget. That final night before his members were made to move out of their dorm. Changmin had locked himself in the bathroom, refusing to come out despite the coaxing from his hyungs. Yoochun and Junsu were in tears, standing at the door, begging his forgiveness, begging him to come out, but the maknae is resolute. He has made up his mind. Even Yunho could not convince him to come out, even though rationally, he knows the young man will regret not saying goodbye. He remembers the single sentence from the man, screaming it through the closed bathroom door. A scream filled with pain, and it only makes Junsu and Yoochun cry even harder.

”I am not saying goodbye!”

And he remembers Jaejoong, his face blank, his eyes empty, his face so pale, ashen. He remembers the lead singer gently pulling Yoochun and Junsu away from the door, shaking his head and telling them it will be alright.

How many lies have fallen from those sinful lips?

How many broken promises?

How many empty words?

Yunho has lost count.

But yet here he is, sitting out on the balcony, nursing a cigarette that has all but burned down right to the stump, remembering. He can feel the heat searing at his fingertips, but he cares not for it. He keeps staring at the piece of paper, its crumpled edges fluttering in the breeze. Should he let it go, the wind will certainly take it away, carrying it far out of his reach. If it lands in the hands of a fan, they will be none the wiser, for Jaejoong’s handwriting is almost illegible. The original piece of paper had already been marked and dirtied. Sullied by hot tears of a beautiful man who believed he was doing what is right. A man who did not believe enough in his leader.

But Yunho knows if he lets that piece of paper go, he will go with it.

There is love, and then there is love. And his is, unfortunately for him, the second type.

His fingers tighten, as his skin crawls. The strange feeling you get when you look down from a high height. That little bit of “what if” as you gaze down at the tiny people walking on the sidewalk. That sudden head rush because of the height and the flicker of fear at what could happen.

He stares at the innocuous bit of paper, wanting to let go. Wanting to see if he is strong enough to let it go. His cigarette is gone, his fingertips singed from the heat of the forgotten cancer stick. But he doesn’t dare, because he is afraid. He is afraid that deep down, he knows exactly what he will do. He will let it go…and then he will jump over the railing after it and fall the twenty floors to his death.

All for want of a piece of paper.

All for want of a piece of paper…

The piece of paper that carries the last remaining link he has to his beautiful lead singer.

He can see the edge of the date on the paper.

29 November 2009


Did he know? Did he visit a psychic? How would he have known that the lawsuit would be settled today. Yunho and Changmin had gotten news of it when they landed it Vietnam. They had prior knowledge of it of course, but it was also dependent on the other side.

The other side.

When did three-fifths of TVXQ become “the other side”?

He laughs to himself. The sound is empty and hollow. TVXQ is officially no longer five. It is two. He wonders what Jaejoong will do about the TVfXQ mark on his back. Will he add a “formerly” on top of the huge tattoo on his upper back? Jaejoong is no longer from TVXQ. JYJ is no longer from TVXQ. They have cut all ties with the company.

But what of them? Have they cut ties with them as well?

There has been contact over the years. He has spoken to both Yoochun and Junsu.

But not Jaejoong.

The pleas from his dongsaengs go unheard. The thinner Jaejoong gets, the more Yunho hardens his heart. Jaejoong chose not to be patient. Jaejoong chose not to have faith in him. Why should he reward such a failure to believe?

Always keep the faith.

What a load of rubbish. Jaejoong left because he lost faith in Yunho’s ability to keep them together, and to fight for their rights. Every single fucking time he sees that goddamn tattoo on the man’s chest, Yunho has this insane urge to grab a pen and ink it out. He has already destroyed two iPads because of it, causing Changmin to berate him.

”Stop looking at him if you won’t even talk to him. Do you know how stupid this is? He is hurting just as much as you are and we all can see it except you.


That is all Jaejoong is.

A pack of lies.

And somehow, over the years, he has even turned the maknae onto his side. He doesn’t know how, but Changmin, dependable Changmin, loyal Changmin, that Changmin who chose to believe in his leader and stayed with him. Changmin, the maknae who was absolutely grief-stricken at his hyungs leaving. The maknae that had to pick up the pieces when Yunho flatly refused to leave the dorm a week after they left. The maknae that had to fill in for four instead of three.

That maknae.

That maknae had started softening towards Jaejoong again.

Yunho doesn’t say anything about it. He just ignores. When Changmin starts talking about them, Yunho will join in the conversation if they are speaking of Yoochun and Junsu. But once Jaejoong is brought up, Yunho switches off.

Maybe it’s because Changmin used to have a crush on Jaejoong he reasons to himself. Maybe that is why the man has forgiven him.

He laughs again, the sound is like a death rattle in his throat. A lifeless gurgle, filled with pain rather than humour.

He loved Jaejoong.

He loved Jaejoong, and yet he is the only one who cannot forgive him. He has forgiven Yoochun and Junsu for following their lead singer. Even Junsu, his oldest friend, even older than Jaejoong. He has forgiven them both. But Jaejoong…the betrayal is too personal.

He loved Jaejoong.


He loves Jaejoong.

No matter how much he denies it, no matter how much he ignores it, no matter how much he tries to forget. That one simple fact remains. It hurts so much because he is still in love with his lead singer.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds.

Out of sight does not mean out of mind.

The evidence is clear in that piece of paper. One single piece of paper that is almost three years old. A piece of paper that Yunho would die for.

He won’t be able to make the date. He won’t even be in the same country. Will Jaejoong wait for him? Will Jaejoong remember?

He fists the already completely misshapen piece of paper. His mind and his heart are at war. The battle has been going on for three whole years, and even then, he should have given up the fight. He knows which will win, but still he fought. It might be a futile battle but Yunho is not going to give it up without a fight.

Not the way Jaejoong did.

But a niggling voice at the back of his mind bothers him. A memory of him telling Jaejoong that if he had to choose between his family and his career, that he would choose his family. But Jaejoong misunderstood. Yunho meant them. TVXQ is his family. He has separated them in his mind. TVXQ is his life, it is no longer a job. It is not a career. It is who he is.

TVXQ is Jaejoong.

He thought Jaejoong knew. After Saipan, when Jaejoong had said “I am TVXQ” and Yunho had brazenly declared on camera that he loves TVXQ, Yunho thought he knew.

But clearly, something got lost somewhere in translation.

It was all downhill from there. Yunho, clueless Yunho, did not realise Jaejoong had misunderstood. It was made even more disastrous when they had gone to visit his parents while performing in Gwangju. The Hope Concert had been a complete and utter catastrophy. And Jaejoong… Jaejoong had misunderstood completely. He remembers the man fighting tears as they sang, but he could not comfort him because he had made a choice that night. A choice that Jaejoong had not known about.

His parents had asked Yunho to choose. After everyone had left, and Yunho was saying his own private goodbyes, his parents had asked.

And Yunho had chosen Jaejoong.

The fallout from that choice had been massive, and Yunho was still reeling from it. And because of that, he was blind to Jaejoong’s misunderstanding, aware of his pain but unable to comfort him because he was suffering too. The both of them are usually so in sync that everyone can see it, so much so that when they fell out of sync, everyone noticed too.

That niggling voice is getting louder, reminding him that he never ever did tell Jaejoong that he had given up his world for him.

Can he blame the lead singer then for leaving him?

He is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t realise his grip is loosening.

A gust of wind comes along, picking up the piece of paper in his hand, taking it with the breeze, almost teasingly as it floats upwards instead of outwards.

The sound that leaves Yunho’s lips when he realises what has just happened is inhuman, and therein lies his test. His answer.

He sweeps an arm up desperately, trying to catch hold of the fluttering piece of paper, but the wind is toying with him. The universe is asking him a question.

Are you really willing to die for him?

Yunho sees nothing but the piece of paper as he rushes against the railing to make one last gasp grab for it, before it falls away from his reach.

And it does.

The leader of TVXQ, admired by many in the industry, loved by thousands, has himself only truly loved the one. And he throws himself over the railing after that piece of paper…

AN1: Pretty much wrote this in less than an hour and cried the whole damn time. I don’t know where this came from. It came out of nowhere…

AN2: This is also for Marta…for reasons only April and I know… :3

Part 2 - Still In Love...

Roawr \^0^/brb.. in a day.

:< I is speechless. I don't know what to say.

omooo ... i cant say anything ...

My broken heart just shattered further.
I'm crying and I need to punch them both in the moob
It hurts bb...

i foresee character death why u do this to us T_T

i'm already in verge in tears just from read the summary :'(

thank you so much for making me fight the urge to bawl my eyes out at the mrt..omg sun..this is beautiful..huggles you because u are simply awesome :)

this is unexpected.

a second fic within hours .... thanks so much.

so sad and heartbreaking. please don't kill yunho off ... he hasn't seen jae yet ... they haven't made up up.

Please don't do this.....
I am already in tears :(

sobbing. i love your angsty yunho sfm.


you must put a warning here...........

i don't like read character death fic sobs sobs

Edited at 2012-12-04 06:48 am (UTC)

omfg i did not see that coming. wow.

i kinda wished that you had put up a warning but at the same time, this story gives so much more impact without it.

yunho bb ;___; ..can i maybe plead for a sequel? in which jaejoong finds out? or maybe just his side of the story :)

OTL the Hope Concert ;A;



I swear...reading yours and Aquariuslover's angst stuff is probably THE MOST hazardous thing ever. Like. No.

Now excuse me while I wallow up in my tears and angsty feels and cry my poor heart out.