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All skin and no shame

...innocence is just an illusion...

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Still In Love... [2/3]
Title: Still In Love...
Pairing: YunJae
Rating: PG
Length: Three-shot
Genre: Angst, non-AU
Disclaimer: I don't own anything apart from the story. I wish I had YunJae and if I had my way, they'd move to New Zealand so they can be civil-unionised here :P
Summary: The lawsuit is over. All that is left are two parts of a whole, fighting for their own survival, and fighting against each other. Forgetting is impossible, forgiving is another matter altogether. Time heals all wounds they say. But this wound…

AN: Chin up, everyone… I should take my own advice :3 Um… also wrote this during my lunch break and ugh yeah… Sorry. You can find part 1 here

Jaejoong hugs himself, his thick jacket unable to keep out the cold that is deep in his heart. It is raining a little, but he is sheltered underneath the bridge. His hood is up, the furry trim obscuring his face from any curious passersby. He stares out at the water, the stillness and darkness pulls him in. He was unable to get away till almost twilight, but now that he has, he knows that it is just a waste of time.

Yunho isn’t here.

And he knows why the man isn’t there.

So why is he here?

Maybe it is his way of apologising. Braving the elements; the cold that numbs his face, the frost on the ground, the icy drops of water that cling to the hood of his jacket, caught in the furry hair of the fringe that frames his pale features.

But it is too late for apologies. Much too late. They are irreversibly separated now.

And all for what? What has he gotten out of this?

Jaejoong sits down on the top of the steps leading down to the water’s edge, his eyes never leaving the tiny waves lapping on the bottom step. The smell of dampness is strong, but his senses care nothing for his surroundings. The coldness in his heart is too complete. It is frozen, empty; and as he laughs brokenly, a miserable sound in the dimming light, he knows that condition is forever.

There is no redemption for the wicked.

And wicked he is. Wicked, selfish, cowardly, stupid. So many words to describe him, and he has ruminated on them over countless bottles of soju. There are innumerable photos of him in various stages of intoxication, both posted by him and taken by friends, sasaengs, tabloids, and even those who call themselves “fans”.


He had once said that he would die without his fans.

But now? Now he would trade Cassiopeia and an entire galaxy of fans for one more look at Yunho. To be able to stand in the same room as his former lover, and see the smile breaking across his leadershii’s face when he catches sight of him. Yes, Yunho is still his leader. It is so typical of him isn’t it? Living in the past, unable to move on.

And it is all through his own doing.

The darkness is almost absolute underneath the bridge. There used to be a light or two, but clearly whoever maintains this part of the river has decided that no fool would be hanging out here at night.

Clearly they haven’t met Kim Jaejoong, fool extraordinaire.

The gloom is illuminated briefly by a flare from a match, Jaejoong lighting his cigarette the old-fashioned way. The emptiness in his expression as he stares out into nothing is chilling. His eyes are swollen, almost swollen shut from weeping at the news. But that was hours ago.

Hours of agony.

He takes the phone call from Changmin, the maknae in tears, breaking Jaejoong’s non-existent heart even further. The overwhelming rush of emotions that he feels at the younger man’s words, and the shock of it all makes him almost catatonic, unable to process Changmin’s words as his brain shuts down, and the pain in his chest intensifies. Phone calls from Junsu and Yoochun go unanswered as the news breaks.

But he cares nothing for all that.

There is enough illumination from the city lights that he can see the still water in front of him. He remembers Yunho being that silly teenager a lifetime ago, stripping down to his boxers to jump into the river on a dare from Jaejoong. He had been joking, but Yunho had laughingly waved off his protests when he realised the younger man was really about to go through with it. He had scared Jaejoong half to death that afternoon because he had not come back up after jumping in, and Jaejoong, the non-swimmer with his leg in a cast, had jumped into the water fully clothed after him.

He sucks hard at his cigarette, inhaling deeply, as he drifts away on a cloud of memories.

He had almost drowned that day. But there had been no other thought except that of Yunho, who had gone into the water willingly because of Jaejoong. When the seconds ticked by and he had not resurfaced, the terror that gripped him propelled him to move, goading him into action. His fear did not paralyse him. In fact, they worked in the opposite. He only had Yunho on his mind. He had to save him. His flight or fight instincts had worked in a strange way that day. With no concern for himself, he had not hesitated to jump into the water. In retrospect, it was honestly the stupidest thing he could have done, but it was also the incident that made him realise that what he felt for his leader defies even his own survival instincts.

Yunho had to save him that day. The man had been surprised at the depth of the river when he had jumped in, and had decided to see if he could swim to the bottom. He had never ever even considered for even the briefest of seconds that Jaejoong would come in after him.

His cigarette is gone, and Jaejoong flicks it away, lighting yet another as he stares out into the deep water.

Yunho had pulled him out of the water. They had spent the next ten minutes crying, soaked and shaking on the steps above the water, right where he is sitting right now. Yunho unable to speak from the scare his lead singer had given him, tears rolling down his cheeks as he constantly ran his hands over his Jaejoong’s body, as if making sure that he was alright and in one piece. And Jaejoong? Jaejoong had been crying from relief.

Relief that Yunho was alive, because right then he realised that there is no reality that he wishes to be in, if Yunho is not in it.

What now, then?

He doesn’t feel the hot tear seeping out and warming his frozen cheek as it forges a path down his face. He just stares out into the darkness. He knows the water is deep. Very deep. Yunho had not yet hit the bottom when Jaejoong had splashed down above him.

He just stares out into the still water, the inky blackness of its depths seem to be calling out to him. Taunting him for his actions over three years ago. Reminding him that he had been willing to die for Yunho before they were even actually together, and then mocking him for being the bastard who had left Yunho before the man could leave him because he would not have been able to bear it.


Jaejoong flicks the stub of his second cigarette away as he stands, walking the four steps down to the water’s edge, till the river is lapping as the soles of his boots. His eyes are empty as he surveys the unknown depths of the black water. If he takes one more step, he will fall in. There is no Yunho to save him this time from the icy grasp of the river.

Idiot is probably the better word.

Both of them are idiots. Were idiots. Blind in his own growing uncertainty of their relationship, confused by Yunho’s near constant flirting with everyone, and their regular fights over nothing, Jaejoong had not realised that it was his own actions that were causing the fractures.

Jaejoong had been told by his family that people were starting to talk, and the words were not kind ones. YunJae had stopped being fan service to the public, and outside Cassiopeia, hurtful words had been thrown at members of his family. They were too natural with each other, their eyes spoke too much, their actions even more. It got to the point that only their words might be viewed as fan service because they looked and touched each other even more off camera than they do on camera.

On top of that, he had been getting hate messages accusing him of making Yunho gay. That he was filth and Yunho deserved to be with a girl he could marry and have babies with. Already fragile and confused, Jaejoong had kept that to himself. He had stupidly kept silent about it, a martyr suffering all on his own. They had struck a chord, hitting him where it hurts the most. He knows Yunho loves children, and the man would make a fantastic father, and by being with Jaejoong, he won’t be able to have that. Not in this society anyway.

His dark thoughts reflect on his interactions with others.

Yunho wasn’t flirting, he was trying to placate and distract people from Jaejoong’s sullen behaviour.

And it was Jaejoong who picked every single fight with Yunho, even prompting Yoochun, whom he could always count on to be on his side, to call him out on it, berating him for stressing their leader out.

That was the last straw in a way. Jaejoong felt like he was losing everything. Yunho had picked his family over his career. Yunho had not spoken up when his parents had been awful to him when they had gone to Gwangju for the Hope Concert.

What place did Jaejoong have in Yunho’s life? At that point, he felt like he had no place at all.

In his blindness and stupidity, and perhaps even a desperate attempt at self-preservation, he had done the unthinkable.

Junsu was easy. He had previously said that he won’t want to be in TVXQ if any member left. Yoochun would take more convincing, but his soulmate is definitely his for the taking at the end of the day. Changmin had looked at him like he was crazy, and then shook his head and said the words that he should have heeded.

“You need to talk to him.”

But no, too wrapped up in himself, Jaejoong decided that he will hurt Yunho first before the man even has the chance to hurt him more than he already has. To hurt him irreparably.

He sways on his feet, lost in his memories, the water eagerly licking at his feet, coaxing and welcoming him to step into their depths.

Thinking about their maknae, another memory assails him. It is just after Yunho and Changmin had come back as a duo, testing the waters and the reception they will receive as two at SM Town in 2010. The maknae had been drunk out of his mind, and absolutely furious. But Jaejoong has no reason to question his words despite the condition he is in because Changmin is completely truthful when inebriated.

”Was it worth it, hyung? Was it worth leaving us? I shouldn’t even call you hyung. You don’t deserve the respect. Fucking Kim Jaejoong, that’s what you are. Bastard. You don’t know do you? Yunho hyung told me and I’ve kept it a secret all this time, but you should know. You should know how much of a fool you are. That man would have done anything for you. I don’t know why though because you’re not even worth the dirt on his shoe. He always looks so strong, but he cried when we got back after the concert. He kept saying your name. I hate you so much for this. You don’t even know how much. I hate you enough to tell you this, because maybe in that frozen icicle you claim as your heart, you will feel some guilt. No, a lot of guilt. Yes, a lot of guilt. I hope you fucking drown in your guilt. Remember Gwanju? When it all turned to absolute shit? Yunho hyung told his parents that you are his life, and that if there was a choice between you and anything or anyone else, he would ALWAYS choose you. You. You bastard. And then you fucking left him. Left us. I hope you burn for your sins. I hope you drown.”

Jaejoong can no longer see, his tears obscuring his vision, making the darkness around him even more frightening. He lifts a fist to his mouth to stop the harsh sobbing, but in his overly padded state and his too-thin frame, the movement causes him to lose his balance. And as he topples towards the taunting depths of freezing water that he will have no hope of climbing out from as it soaks through his already heavy clothes, a line from his song plays in his mind, and his final thought is of Yunho.

You take my soul every time you go…

AN: Sigh… Ok so I’m honestly feeling out of sorts lately and I don’t know if it’s because of work or something else. I’m just always tired and I think my writing is tired too. Perhaps it’s because I’m sick of angst. IDK… I feel like Cassiopeia is one giant ball of angst. AND YET I MADE WHAT STARTED OFF AS A ONE-SHOT INTO A THREE-SHOT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? //weeps into my chai latte//

Part 3 - A Thousand Years...

stares and chokes on sobs

Sobbing, but this hurts me so good.
So moar \^0^/

Hey ... Step back and take a breather. The fandom is overwhelming at times. Even I've fallen sick thinking about the fragmented juggernaut known as Cassiopiea.

All I can think about now is In Heaven ... OTL

oh no!!!
How on earth did everything go so wrong?
A little insecurity and a whole big ocean of guilt lies between them.

I wonder what did Changmin tell Jaejoong about Yunho.
Is he dead or critically injured?
Whatever Changmin said seems to add to Jaejoong guilt until he falls into the water.

I cannot wait to read the third and final part.
Somehow I feel that the final chapter will answer all the questions I have about these two chapter....or will it leave me with unanswered questions? *pouts*

Edited at 2012-12-10 05:09 pm (UTC)

;_; fuck..this is so angsty e_e

i have no words..... sobs

Edited at 2012-12-10 04:14 am (UTC)

Character death???? I hope none... I am crying n no matter what my heart goes to jae.. I will do the same thing he did.. I just knew.. Sigh...

2nd chap yet its so angsty ... sob

Well... at least those angsts give lots of ideas for fanfics, khe khe khe XP

Oh god...
I love this, so, so, much.
It really amazes me, the way you write. It's so different from anything else I've seen, it's like you're delving into a whole other world and you're describing what you see.
I mean that in the sense that...these nuances, in the way you write, the little details and anecdotes and sub-plots that move through your stories...or even just through a chapter...they amaze me.
It's like your living as your characters, and it's a gift, really.
And also, if you feel like Cassiopeia is getting to be too much, because it does get to be too much...just step away.
Disregard everything anyone else says, and love them the way you want to.
It's hard, because Cassies are always....there. But taking a break is always nice.
Don't feel obligated for us, or anything, do what makes you happy, that's the most important thing.
And I'm sorry for this long essay-ish comment, I've been word-vomiting all over the place today xD

All my love in a gif:


PS. I'm feeling guilty for making you write angst so just stop ;~;