All skin and no shame

...innocence is just an illusion...


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Love In The Ice [14b]
YJ01
beeswaxing
Title: Love in the Ice
Pairing: YunJae/JaeHo
Rating: R
Length: Chaptered
Genre: Non-AU, mild angst, fluff, romance
Disclaimer: I don't own anything apart from the story. I wish I had YunJae and if I had my way, they'd move to New Zealand so they can be married here.

Summary: A script for a new mini-series is left in Yunho’s apartment by his manager, and as he reads it, he becomes more and more intrigued. Unbeknownst to him, one of the leads has already been cast, and the contracts signed. When he too is cast in the project after expressing interest in the part, he gets the shock of his life when he arrives for the script reading to be faced with a person from his past. Someone that he has spent years trying to pretend never existed. How will they be able to get through filming this without killing each other? Or worse…

AN1: Y'all knew this would happen right? I was literally five minutes from Jaejoong this weekend...but alas, so near yet so far... Errr ok maybe not alas. I wouldn't be here if i'd managed to see him somehow T___T

AN2: Oh and if you’re a new reader who has never read ICE, I really think you should because I will make a few references to it without actually spelling it out because the assumption is that everyone has read ICE and are familiar with the plot…

LITI 14b






Off goes every single item he is wearing.

Every single stitch of clothing.

Every single accessory.

Jaejoong doesn’t even mind the wide open door behind him as he arches backwards to stretch before he climbs into Yunho’s side of the bed.

The younger man grunts in his sleep as Jaejoong half sprawls on top of him, but he doesn’t wake as Jaejoong inserts himself in the gap between Yunho and the fortress he’s erected in the middle of the bed. The man is so painfully slim that he can probably, literally fit anywhere.

Yunho is wearing boxers.

Not the boxer brief type, but normal loose boxers, and the revelation makes Jaejoong smile in the semi-darkness. If Yunho is serious about them not doing any dot connecting, he should have worn something much tighter.

Jaejoong nudges the man slightly, and Yunho moves with another grunt, leaning away from the lead singer who takes the opportunity to palm the man’s crotch.

Yunho doesn’t even seem to wake as he throw a leg out over the tipsy and frisky singer, the heavy limb all but anchoring the slim man down that he can barely wriggle.

So there lies Jaejoong, squinting and trying to figure out if Yunho is awake or asleep with his hand trapped between them in a very compromising position. It’s a comical situation to be in, and he resists the urge to laugh.

He bends his head, nuzzling against Yunho’s nose, giving him an Eskimo kiss when a whisper slips between them.

“Do I need an explanation for your naked body and your hand against my cock?”

Jaejoong huffs sadly, feeling thwarted because Yunho is awake. He wanted to have his way with the man before he is lucid enough to stop him, but clearly that isn’t happening tonight. He pushes his hand against the man’s crotch, to find Yunho’s cock hardening slowly but surely, and pleasure breaks across his face.

“Boundaries don’t mean anything to you, do they?” Yunho questions quietly. He is unable to control his body’s reaction to Jaejoong, but he sure as hell can control his actions.

“You make it sound like it’s a bad thing,” Jaejoong pouts, huffing again.

Yunho gets a face full of alcohol tinged breath, and he sighs, moving to wrap an arm around the petulant, and tipsy singer. He rubs up and down that smooth back, trying to hide his worry when he can feel the ridges of the man’s spine easily. Jaejoong is nothing but muscle and bone. He’s not even sure if his skin counts.

“Lower…” Jaejoong whispers, wriggling and scooting closer, moving as much as he can underneath Yunho’s heavy thigh clamping him into position.

Yunho complies, sweeping his hand lower and palming an ass cheek, squeezing lightly.

A deep groan tears from Jaejoong’s throat at the contact, and he drops his chin, as tears spring into his eyes. Yunho can see enough from the light from the doorway and he leans forward, pressing a kiss against Jaejoong’s forehead.

“We’re not ready, love…”

Tears leak out the corners of Jaejoong’s eyes, his body trembling as Yunho pulls him closer as they continue to lie in silence.

The leader of TVXQ has his hand firmly in the small of his lead singer’s back, keeping him safe as nuzzles and coaxes the man to look up at him. Jaejoong tilts his head up slowly, and Yunho’s heart breaks at the shimmering doe eyes gazing back at him in pain and confusion.

“Why?”

“Why does it hurt?”

Jaejoong nods, as he tries to get closer still, two tears seeping out. “Why was it so easy this afternoon?”

“Because you were Hero.”

“Who am I now?”

“Jaejoong.”

“I don’t understand.”

Yunho drops his hand again, caressing Jaejoong’s bare ass, and the man visibly trembles as he pulls his trapped hand from between them, no longer interested as he wraps his arm around Yunho’s waist. He tries to drop his chin once again, wanting to hide his face in the safety of Yunho’s throat, but the younger man won’t let him, mouth against his forehead, he keeps him where he needs him to be..

“Even though you draw from yourself to play Hero, he is still separate. He doesn’t have the same baggage you do. The same baggage that we do. I want nothing more than to love you the way you were meant to be loved, but I have to atone first. I have to make peace with you before we can make love…”

Jaejoong stifles a sob as his hand tightens against Yunho’s strong back. “I wrote something for you… Do you remember when I begged you not to go… Do you remember?”

Yunho remembers, but he interpreted it differently at the time, for to him it was Jaejoong leaving him not the other way round. He doesn’t say it though, because thoughts like those don’t do anyone any good. Look at where it’s gotten him?

Gotten them.

“Do you remember what I said?”

Yunho purses his lips, pressing another kiss to Jaejoong’s forehead, his voice a hoarse whisper. “You told me I could never truly leave you. You swore on everything that even if I left, I would never ever be able to truly leave you.”

Silence falls once again between them as Jaejoong tries to summon the courage to speak again. The words are clogged in his throat, and he cannot seem to stop crying no matter how much he wants to. The fact that Yunho remembers it clearly enough to practically give his words back to him verbatim…what have they done to each other?

“You were right.”

Jaejoong pulls away slightly, to look up at Yunho whose eyes are glittering in the dim light with unshed tears.

“I should have listened to you. You were right…your promise was a curse to me for three years. I was so angry at you for being right that I hated you.”

“Do you hate me now?” Jaejoong asks, his voice a broken whisper. “Please just tell me the truth.”

“Hating you would be like hating the better half of me. It’s not even logical,” Yunho tries to inject a bit of humor into his voice.

“Don’t play with words…that’s my job not yours.”

“I’m not playing,” Yunho leans back, slipping his hand from the older man’s back to tilt Jaejoong’s chin up. “It truly is illogical. I hated you as much as I loved you.”

“Loved?”

“I hated a memory of you.”

“I’m not a memory any more…”

“And you’re also a man who doesn’t need me to protect him any longer. You grew up without me, Jaejoongie…”

“I didn’t want to…” Jaejoong’s voice trembles with each word as he fights back another wave of tears. Yunho’s hand is back to caressing the top of his hip, and he almost wishes they were the same people they were four years ago. He pours his emotions into his music, not into the man holding him so tenderly.

But that’s where they went wrong isn’t it?

Fucking their way to a conclusion instead of talking.

“But you did, and you’re stronger for it. I love you more than you can imagine, and—“

“Don’t say shit like that.” Jaejoong interrupts. “Don’t say you love me more than I can imagine. Show me you love me. Don’t just say it. I’m so tired of people telling me one thing and doing another. I don’t want to imagine that you love me because I’ve spent years doing that. Years, Yunho. Do you understand? I spent three years imagining you still loved me. Hating myself for wanting you to still love me, and yet, the mere idea of you not loving me would break me in an instant. My entire album is a love song to you. I can barely write anything that doesn’t have something to do with you. I feel every word, and it used to be cathartic, but then when I sing it on stage, it fucking hurts. It hurts because I wanted so desperately to know that you still loved me the way I still loved you, even though I hated myself so much for it. I hated myself. I hated myself, Yunho. I hated myself.”

Jaejoong voice ends in a broken sob as he forces his way under Yunho’s chin, pressing his forehead against the man’s throat, he cries out his pain. A pain he’d normally keep inside, but a little alcohol makes the tongue loose, and the mind oddly self-aware.

Yunho cards his hand gently through the sobbing’s singer’s hair, his own tears falling slowly down his cheeks as he uses his leg to pull Jaejoong closer yet again. “You weren’t imagining it. I will never be sorry enough for letting you go…”

They hold each other, bodies so close it will be hard to tell where one starts and the other ends.

They lie there, Yunho staring out into nothing, trying to hold the trembling man as close as he can, to offer him a comfort he knows is belated. Jaejoong’s insecurity is Yunho’s fault. How many times in their relationship has Yunho chosen work over the beautiful man? And Jaejoong takes it with a smile, knowing that the leader of TVXQ will eventually return to him. The smile that becomes more and more fragile as 2009 loomed on them. A smile that becomes more and more like a mask, hiding the torment within.

Till it gets to a point where Jaejoong can smile no more.

Despite Yunho’s words of love, Jaejoong can smile no more, for his actions are opposite to his words.

For three years, Jaejoong lived with the hope that Yunho will return to him.

A hope that is dealt a crushing blow in the first year when Yunho refused to return or acknowledge any of Jaejoong’s calls.

A hope that is taken over by anger in the second year when he gets nothing but some snarky comments from the remaining members of TVXQ upon their comeback.

A hope that is channelled into music and lyrics in the third year as Jaejoong prepares for his solo, writing out his angst in the desperate hope that Yunho will at least listen.

Deep down, Jaejoong might hate himself for hoping, but it is that hope that sustains him.

Faith.

An unshakeable faith that seems at odds with his reality. A faith that Junsu had declared delusional one night a long time ago. The JYJ maknae had been so angry at finding Jaejoong practically comatose, slumped over his piano with empty bottles of alcohol littered around him, and a whole sheaf of sheet music stacked neatly on the piano. The only order amongst the chaos.

The song he’d been writing that had Junsu calling Yoochun in tears, asking him to fix their lead singer…

”Give me one last hug…”

Jaejoong’s voice is thready, and Yunho’s arms tighten automatically around him.

”Give me one last kiss…”

“Only with my last breath,” Yunho replies in English, meaning every single word.

”I don’t want you to go…”

“I’m not going anywhere…”

”Please…”

The soft hiss of the word is the last thing Yunho feels against his throat as Jaejoong pulls back to stare at him. They have wiggled and moved and Jaejoong’s head is lying on his arm.

”Neo man isseumyeon dwae…”

“So would I, with only you,” Yunho feels the prick of tears yet again, as the quiet words fall between them from the lips of the only man he has ever loved.

“Really, Yunho? Am I really enough for you?”

Yunho closes his eyes, words flowing honestly from him on that still night. “I have never felt such loneliness. I was always surrounded by people. By friends, by people I cared about. But the loneliness was crippling. It took me a good year or so to realize what that loneliness was. I’d done everything I’d normally do when you were around. The only difference is that after a night out with my friends, I came home to you. I was blinded by my anger in that first year, that I lost sight of that co-relation. The crippling loneliness got worse. The more time I spent with people, the lonelier I felt.”

”Not feeling…”

Yunho opens his eyes, hearing a hint of a melody behind the whispered words.

”No pain…no fear…”

He shakes his head. “So much pain, Jaejoong.”

”Museopji anha…anha…”

“How can you have no fear?”

“Because when I wrote this, I was drunk out of my mind and saw with crystal clarity that the only thing that would keep me going is faith. I had to have faith, and to have faith means to not be fearful.”

“Is this the song you were talking about?”

“Yes…”

Yunho closes his eyes once again. “Sing for me, love…”

”Look at my eyes…”

Yunho’s eyes pop open once again, the melody is stronger now, and he can hear it despite the fact that Jaejoong is singing almost in a whisper.

”Look at my eyes…”

He opens his mouth to reply, but Jaejoong places a hand against his mouth, still singing quietly.

”Cheongugi boyeo…boyeo…”

His eyes prick with tears once again, for Jaejoong is speaking the truth. He loses himself in the dark shimmering doe eyes whose stare is unwavering.

”Let me show you what you’re missing… Let me show you what you’re missing…”

Yunho can see it all. In those dark bottomless eyes he will willingly drown in, he can see his forever.

”I’m your…I’m your…”

Jaejoong’s voice catches towards the end as he leans forward, removing his hand from Yunho’s mouth, replacing it with his lips.

”Paradise…”



“Do you think we should check on them? Hyung was looking a little shifty-eyed.”

“Shifty-eyed?” Changmin starts laughing, muffling his loud laughter in the duvet covering him.

Yoochun rolls over to throw a leg over Junsu who is vibrating agitatedly. He can sense the man is about to get up to look for his hyungs, and really, Junsu’s eyes can do without the visual.

“We can check on them.” Ah In volunteers, flipping over on his belly and lifting up his head to look down the row. He watches and both Yoochun and Junsu twist their necks to look at him in unison, the soft light left on by the bedside table illuminating their features easily. Changmin is still chortling quietly next to him. He leans over, draping himself over the tall maknae as he speaks to the other two. “I’m a little hungry anyway. Drinking always makes me hungry. I was going to eat some of the leftovers. I can check on them.”

“Are you s-sure your e-e-eyes are r-r-ready for th-that?” Changmin questions, still laughing for some random reason. He is finding the whole situation so ridiculous, and in a way, so very sad. If he doesn’t laugh, he might cry so he doesn’t want to stop laughing. Who would’ve thought a drama would bring his hyungs back together? True, it was his idea in the first instance but god, he should have remembered how tumultuous they are together. The whole roller coaster of emotions aren’t confined to the two oldest members alone. The tendrils of their feelings and that impossible connection they have shoot out from them, curling around the unwary nearby. Changmin shivers as he remembers Jaejoong’s stare at him over Yunho’s shoulder during the press conference last week.

Mine.

It feels like a lifetime ago, and yet it was only last week.

Indeed, for Yunho has never belonged to anyone else. Changmin was merely keeping him afloat till Yunho and Jaejoong had a chance to talk. He can see a semblance of the man he remembers in late 2008, though they still have a way to go before they get back Yunho from T Tour. He doesn’t know if they will ever get him back, which is sad, because Yunho was the most carefree he’d ever seen him back then. People used to say Jaejoong glows in Yunho’s presence, but Yunho too is not immune to the effects of the beautiful man. Being able to unload his worries, and being loved so indulgently off camera by the oldest member reflects on the leader of TVXQ who has always had a playful side he could never give in to around anyone but Jaejoong.

Changmin buries his face in the duvet, his laughter dying as the tears threaten. He is strong, and he’s had to be strong for so many years. But being the youngest once again…he doesn’t have to be strong any more.

Drinking sucks. It makes you a little too honest with your own feelings, and Changmin wishes he hadn’t offered to finish that last bottle of soju.

All four men stare at the heap the youngest has made of himself, cocooned in a mountain of luxurious comforter, the maknae is shaking, but no laughter comes forth.

Junsu sighs, climbing over Yoochun as he wraps his arms around the shaking man. “It’s alright Changmin…it’s alright.” He pulls down the duvet, and he can feel the hot prick of tears as he sees the single tear drop clinging to the maknae’s long lashes. “Changmin-ah…”

The youngest gives up trying to be strong, for his hyungs are finally here to be strong for him, and he takes the comfort offered as he opens his arms to the second youngest member.

Yoochun shakes his head, looking past the sniffling pair at Ah In and Joong Ki who are both watching in silence. “And people say I’m the cry baby?”


~~~



"Why is she here?" Jaejoong's tone is somewhat belligerent as he eyes the head writer currently in deep conversation with the shorter PD. She is not Korean, her heritage somewhat uncertain. She speaks mostly in English though he is told her Korean is good. She hasn't said very much to him, preferring to make ad-hoc changes either through Google Drive or through one of the PDs. She sits and watches mostly, her expression betraying nothing as his fellow cast mates go through the script. Yoochun's comment about her being the grand daughter of Lee Soo Man may not be viable, but he has a feeling she isn't just a script writer. The PDs defer too much to her for it to be such.

"Uh... there's been some changes." The PD starts carefully, bracing himself for the explosion, and Jaejoong doesn't disappoint.

"You have got to be fucking with me. You have to. There is no other explanation why you would bow down to the whims of some random girl who cannot seem to figure out how to write a straight story."

"Straight? You're on the wrong set, doll face.” The head writer remarks drily in Korean as she walks over to the group of males.

Jaejoong bites back a caustic remark, Yunho's hand around his wrist staying his tongue as he glares at the girl who is as always, expressionless.

"Can you explain the changes?" Yunho asks quietly, hand squeezing Jaejoong's wrist warningly.

“It’s simple, really. I don't think the first episode is visceral enough. I want the audience to be divided from the start. I want them to either love the show, or hate it from the very first episode. I don't want people to watch it, and then complain about the subject matter halfway through episode three, or worse, past episode five. I want everyone to go into this with their eyes wide shut so to speak. Hopefully you're familiar with the movie." She rattles off, barely pausing for breath and causing more than a few eyebrows to raise.

Jaejoong makes to open his mouth, but once again Yunho squeezes his wrist.

The head writer continues, "While starting with six naked guys in a locker room shower is great and all, it's too...mild."

"Mild? Mild?" Junsu questions incredulously. "I still haven't told my parents," he mumbles, getting a strange look from the girl who just shrugs.

"Yes, mild. Considering what happens during the rest of this drama, it is rather mild. This show is rated M19+ but the first episode is not enough to show this because apart from a butt cheek or two, the audience ain't gonna see shit, and then episode two or three is going to curl their toes. I can't have people freaking out that way."

"Wait!" Yoochun protests. "I don't remember reading about any butt cheeks being shown!"

"It's in the T and C. Please tell me you read your entire contract before signing it." She replies tartly, unamused at the unnecessary drama about something that everyone ought to have known about.

"It's there, hyung." Changmin nods, as do Ah In and Joong Ki who are watching the entire confrontation in silent amusement. The Anyang Halla backline definitely bonded well overnight after his brief crying bout, and their amusement is as one.

"I was too busy reading the goddamn NDA! I thought the contract was standard."

"It is standard...for an M19+ project."

Changmin hands over his iPad silently to a still disbelieving Micky Park Yoochun. He highlights the relevant part as the man reads it silently.

"Su, did you know about this?"

"Errr...yes?"

"Why didn't you say anything!?"

"Stop blaming him for your inability to read. Can I continue now or do you need an audience for your complaints?" The girl is losing her patience with the idol star. She is far more used to people jumping to do her bidding, not questioning her every move and this is taking some getting used to. She has no idea why the hell she got dragged into this but since she is here, she's going to do her best, even though she truly is no script writer.

"That's enough." Yunho voice is quiet, but the authority in it is crystal clear.

She is unable to hide her flush, knowing even as the words had left her mouth that she has gone too far. South Korea is proving to be a difficult country to assimilate into, and her very non-submissive tendencies are showing. Gritting her teeth, she manages to speak. "My apologies. I haven't slept rewriting this and I know that isn't an excuse. I apologise for my...crankiness."

The head writer bows low, both to Yunho and Jaejoong, as well as Yoochun's general direction. Jaejoong has a feeling she doesn't mean it though, and the spark in her eyes tells him enough. Irritated or not, her words have actually interested him enough to keep an open mind about these "changes", enough to let slide her extremely rude manner.

Foreigner.

He has to keep reminding himself of this.

"Hyung, chill. She said a butt cheek or two and I don't think your butt cheeks are television-worthy so you're safe." Ah In breaks the tension with a grin, making everyone, including Yoochun laugh and nod.

As the laughter dies out, she looks towards Yunho, asking for permission. "May I continue?"

He nods instantly, a smile still playing about his lips as he finally lets go of Jaejoong's wrist, satisfied that he will play nice.

"Alright, so where was I? Oh yes, not visceral enough. We initially wanted to simply allude to Hero's issues with the alcohol and possible substance abuse, along with the attempted suicide but after the press conference and the rather interesting first day of shooting last week, i've decided we can show it."

"You've decided?" Jaejoong asks.

She waves her hand airily as she looks down at her iPad. "Well, whoever is producing this. I spoke to them about my idea yesterday after the PDs told me what happened with the sex scene choreographer and they told me to run with it, so here I am, running with it."

"How far do you plan on running?" Yunho asks quietly. All seven do not give any indication whatsoever that they even heard her mention the sex scene. In fact, all seven maintain utterly stoic expressions throughout, though the head writer misses it, head still bent and scrolling through her iPad.

Both the PDs find it interesting though, as they continue watching quietly. The head writer informing the cast members of the changes is merely a formality and a courtesy. They have already been told to proceed with whatever she's asked of them, and they've been working on it since getting the call at two that morning. Considering the budget they have, and the girl's assurances, three hours is almost sufficient to get everything ready.

They even managed to get Jaejoong's international band from whatever corners of Seoul they were currently in.

"I want to divide the audience from the start. I want to paint Jaejoong oppa as being thoroughly unsympathetic. The---"

"Oppa?" Changmin interrupts, staring incredulously at her. "I was told you're much older than you look but you're younger than hyung?"

"What of it?"

"The way you boss everyone, including the PD-nim around. I thought you'd be at least thirty."

She scowls. "Zip it, pal, unless you want me to make sure it's your butt cheeks that get shown to the world," she replies in English, causing Yoochun to burst out laughing instantly.

"I like her."

"I don't really care if all of you like me or hate me. I'm just doing my job. Can I please continue? I've got a fair few ruffled feathers to soothe this morning."

"Clearly not our ruffled feathers," Changmin notes.

Her brow wrinkles as she stares at him. "You really don't want me to try and soothe you, dongsaeng."

"Can we please move on before I explode from curiosity?" Joong Ki complains as he leans against Ah In. "I'm still half asleep and i'm waiting for her to shock my socks off."

She shakes off her irritation as she returns her gaze towards Jaejoong. "The bad boy rock god that has no boundaries whatsoever. Your hedonistic lifestyle is going to be broadcast in that first episode, and I need you to bring up every single disillusioned feeling you've ever had, plus the anger you must have carried with you over the last few years," her eyes slides over to Yunho. It is so brief that everyone but Yunho and Jaejoong notice it. "I want you to show it."

"What do you want me to do?"

"It's almost going to be like an extended music video. We are going to start with you. You and some girl. I want you to use her and abuse her."

"What?!" Jaejoong's voice is incredulous. "What do you mean?"

"You'll be fucking a girl, oppa. Are you up to the challenge?"

"You don't mean for real, right?" Junsu interrupts hastily, eyes going back and forth between his two hyung's faces.

"My dear," she replies, a smile playing about his lips as she answers the singer, but her eyes don't leave Jaejoong's or Yunho's faces. "This drama can be as real as you want it to be. The more the audience believes it's real, the better."

"This is crazy." Joong Ki mutters quietly. "And yet crazy as it is, I think I understand what she means about dividing the audience."

"I want people to hate Hero. I want them to look on him with anger and contempt at his behaviour. I want people to look at his attempted suicide later with unsympathetic eyes as you very well know is the reality of it. I want some of them to think it's a staged publicity stunt, and others to think that perhaps you truly are broken and want and need attention. I want people to talk about that first episode and argue with their friends over it. I want conversations! I want debates! I want people to want to watch the next episode to see what the fuck Hero is going to do next."

"Do you hate me or something?" Jaejoong finally asks, unable to keep it in.

The shock on the head writer's face is too genuine to be faked, for the poker faced girl rarely shows any emotion whatsoever. But the shock on her face is telling.

"Why would you think I hate you?"

Jaejoong shrugs. "I don't know. Everyone keeps telling me not to piss you off, and the drama just went from some slightly complicated gay love story to everyone hating me in the first episode. I had to ask."

"I was told to write a gay love story, and I did." She starts, staring at Jaejoong with her head cocked. "And then I met you. You and Yunho oppa. The two leads who have a drama of their own behind the scenes. The story I wrote doesn't justify the pain you two have gone through in real life. I want the audience to find redemption in you, and a hero in him."

Her words are met with silence, everyone now staring at her. Far from feeling uncomfortable, she carries on.

"You two have so much to work through. I'm giving you a platform for it. Hero in the drama has hit rock bottom and he has to claw his way back to the surface to drink in that sweet air. He has to work hard for it. He has to fight for it, just like you three have been fighting all this while." She nods towards Junsu and Yoochun. "And Dohoon is, for all intents and purposes, a hero, leading Anyang Halla to glory time and time again for the sake of the team and the country. He represents strength, but people need to see that strength alone isn't enough. He only plays well when he is in love...ask yourself why that is."

"He isn't complete by himself." Changmin offers.

"No, he isn't. He may look like a pillar of strength, and anyone looking cannot imagine him as anything but the Rock of Gibraltar or something, but he is not infallible. He needs someone to love."

"So we are weak because we love?"

"You are strong because you love. Love will pull Hero out of that despair, and love will make Dohoon the true hero he was always meant to be. A hero not to the masses, but to his own Hero. You two need each other, and I want the audience to see that somehow. I don't want this to be just another sensationalistic gay drama. I want people to understand that true love knows no boundaries. It doesn't fucking matter if you're both men. Hero will be for Dohoon what he needs him to be, and Dohoon will be for Hero what he needs him to be. There will be laughter, there will be tears, and the most important thing is, there will be struggles. No one appreciates something that simply lands in their lap, but everyone appreciates something they struggled for. This is why I need that first episode to remain seared into everyone's memories. I need people to see how far down Hero got, and the growth he goes through in these rather short ten episodes. You will be the fallen hero."

"Wouldn't beginning a drama like that be seen as a ploy to get ratings though?"

"Do you really think ratings are going to be a problem?" She asks Junsu seriously. "How long has it been since the five of you were seen on the same screen and in the same program, talking to each other?"

"Point taken." Yoochun nods, his countenance serious as he takes in the girl's words.

"I do have another reason for doing this," she admits, continuing before anyone can interrupt her. "There are too many sex scenes in this drama that might detract from the storyline. After meeting you two, I just didn't want to sell you both short. Love may not conquer all, but it sure as fuck will do a damn good job of trying, and I know you both know this very well.”

"You could reduce the sex scenes..." Junsu suggests, causing a smattering of quiet chuckles to go round, everyone trying to ignore the last of the girl’s words.

"I could, couldn't I?" She smiles. "I will if they want me to reduce them." She nods towards a contemplative Yunho and Jaejoong. They are pressed, shoulder to wrist, despite there being more than enough room for them to stand apart. "I've wrecked enough for you right now with all my additions and amendments. I'm not going to throw more spanners in the works unless you request it."

"Can I request my ass not to be shown?" Yoochun tries cheekily.

"You need to be punished for not reading your contract," she smirks, before wiping her expression clean once again. "Seriously, though. And you wonder why you got into trouble? Read every single line of your contract. Read it twice if you're not sure. And read it thrice with a lawyer if you can't understand bits. Don't just sign something just because someone else signed the same document."

"Noted." Yoochun answers a little brusquely, but he smiles at her, and she returns in kind.

"Alright, I can practically feel PD-nim breathing down my neck and panicking at how long this is taking. I blew the budget for the first two episodes with this amendment and I have to talk my way out of it. Good luck with the shoot." She bows quickly before turning on her heel to walk away.

"I'm sure you can talk your way out of anything." Jaejoong calls out drolly, making everyone laugh.

She looks over her shoulder and winks. "Just for that, i'll punish the one you love."

"Hey! What do you mean?" Yunho asks quickly as they watch her walk away.

She pauses again, twisting around to gaze at him. "Hero will be Dohoon's wet dream come true. You can thank me later."

"Hey, wait!" Changmin calls out as she continues to walk. The long-suffering sigh coming from the petite girl can be heard by all as she stops once again.

"Yes, Changmin-ssi?"

"Are you Cassiopeia?”

"I am whatever you need me to be." She replies cryptically. “And while I’m flattered you think I’m a queen from Greek mythology with allegedly unrivaled beauty, it won’t stop me from writing your blow job scene with Dohoon into the script if you annoy me.” She sends him a wicked smile, before disappearing down the steps that lead to the exit.

There is a pregnant silence in her wake, lasting a good minute or so before Joong Ki finally speaks.

“She’s not serious, right?”

“What queen? What Greek mythology? How does she know Korean words I don’t even know?” Junsu questions, a deep furrow in his brow as he tries to make sense of her words.

“She was deliberately misunderstanding. Don’t worry about it, hyung.”

“You better not piss her off.” Jaejoong turns towards Changmin, eyes and tone flashing a warning. “If you piss her off, it will piss me off, so just play nice and do as you’re told, ok?”

“Yes, sir.” Changmin replies mockingly in English as he executes a smart salute. “Anything for the rock god we’re all supposed to be worshipping. Shall I kiss your feet? It’s probably the only part Yunho hyung hasn’t kissed.”

“That’s where you’d be wrong,” Yunho murmurs quietly before slipping an arm around Jaejoong’s slim waist and pulling him close. It is only them and the PDs now, and everyone has seen far worse when it comes to them so he doesn’t hesitate to show Jaejoong affection.

"So, PD-nim...tell us the damage."

"We're holding off the skating till we've filmed Hero on that stage." The taller PD nods towards one side of the ice.

All of them saw the giant black stage when they came in, and it confused all of them, but in their sleep addled state, none really saw any need to question it till now.

"So...music video?"

"She simplified it." The same PD admits as he scratches the back of his neck nervously. "The opening sequence to the drama will be all about Hero. There will be flashes of him performing the song she chose, and it will be playing in the background as he uh...uh..." he trails off, not knowing how to put the crude words the girl used into something less antagonizing.

"Fucks? I'm fucking some girl right?"

"Several actually...and a guy or two..."

"What!?" Jaejoong's mouth drops open in disbelief.

"Hedonistic lifestyle. Sex, drugs and rock and roll, although in your case it's sex, alcohol and rock and roll." The second PD interjects swiftly. Talking as fast as he can so he doesn't miss a thing, remembering how clear she was on her instructions. "You on that stage will be interlaced with scenes of you with a variety of people, and the crucial part of all this, and she actually repeated it to me enough times that i'm sure it's seared into my brain. She said to make sure the emptiness shows in your eyes. She wants you to not give a damn about the people you're fucking and to show it on your face. They're nothing to you. A dime a dozen. Probably even less. They're just vessels for your pleasure, and you care absolutely nothing for them. Nothing!"

"I can actually hear her voice." Changmin comments somewhat amusedly. "How odd."

"And she told me to take as long as it takes for you to perfect it. I'm begging you though, Jaejoong-ssi, please don't take long because we are really hard-pressed for time. The set with the other people is already being set up as we speak in the hotel we were in yesterday, and the actors and actresses already chosen. This is the only scene they will be in with you, and they have all signed the relevant NDAs."

"How did you get so many people so quickly?" Ah In muses out loud. "It can't have been that easy, considering the subject matter.

"You'd be surprised at how easy it is to find trainees to do anything," one of the PDs replies. "Sad but true. They jumped at the chance to film with Jaejoong-ssi and i'm not about to discourage them. They have all been prepped and they know what they're getting into."

"I don't." Jaejoong admits. "I don't know if I can do this." He leans further into Yunho, and the man slips a hand into his back pocket, squeezing lightly and comfortingly. "I'm not angry enough right now."

"That's why it's called acting Jaejoongie hyung," Yoochun rolls his eyes and pokes his soulmate in the side. "She knows you have those feelings inside, you just need to find them."

"She seems to know too much to be honest." Yunho mutters under his breath.

"She's on your side." One of the PDs interrupts hastily. "She is in a whole lot of trouble because we have literally blown our budget for three episodes with this addition. And it will blow out even more if we aren't able to complete all the ice scenes in these three days. I've been listening to her talk about this for a good two hours, and she is determined to make the public see that your love will prevail over anything, even if she has to force it down their homophobic throats."

"We're acting though right?"

The older PD shrugs. "Like she said, it's as real as you want it to be. Personally, I think the approach all of you have taken in becoming your characters even in real life is a good one."

The other PD claps his hands and gestures to all of them. “Come on. Enough talking. You can talk later. We need to get you into dress and make-up.”



The six men of Anyang Halla are sitting on the bleachers, conversing and chuckling as they go through their lines. They are being fussed over by a variety of makeup and stylist noonas, most of the ladies clicking their tongues and hiding their expressions at the boisterous males try to get into character.

Yunho has already apologized to them at the start for the colorful language, but the head stylist merely waves him off, saying they are all more than used to it. Half the crew are not even Korean, but that doesn’t mean they don’t understand.

“Seriously, whose ass is going to get shown? I thought we were going to be wearing shorts.” Yoochun complains for the umpteenth time, causing a predictable round of chuckles.

“Shorts? More like socks.”

“I feel violated and I haven’t even stripped.”

“I wonder how our fans are going to take this…”

“They’ll be editing Jaejoong into my shots that’s what they’ll be doing,” Yunho remarks as he flips through the iPad. All of them have one, given by the PD when they’d changed into the bathrobes they are currently wearing.

“They won’t need to be editing anything as this drama progresses.” Joong Ki observes as he closes his eyes for the makeup noona.

There is a sudden hush as the makeup noonas stop talking, eyes riveted on the angry man clomping down the bleachers towards them.

Ah In sees him first, and he is unable to stop the low whistle of appreciation as he watches the bristling man stalking down the stairs. It is a far cry from the beatifically smiling man they’d woken up that morning. They are all still unsure as to whether anything happened, and one look at Yunho’s face as he cradles Jaejoong against his side in their bed that morning, stays all their tongues.

Admittedly, they were also all too sleepy to bother pursuing it, all trying to figure out how to stay asleep on the drive to Anyang Stadium.

Just as Jaejoong gets to them, music starts blaring through the loudspeakers.

“I hate her. I really fucking hate her.”

Jaejoong doesn’t even bother to acknowledge anyone, the fury in his voice doesn’t invite conversation as he stares out at his band getting ready on the stage.

The music gets louder, almost painfully loud, screaming through the speakers surrounding the venue.

Several of them recognize the song, though Yunho doesn’t, too mesmerized by the now blond hair of the man standing with his back to him. All of them were told about the hair, for the PD mentions needing to differentiate the chronological time, but actually seeing it is another matter altogether. While he knows it is a wig, the hair is absolutely stunning on Hero. Blond hair on Jaejoong has always been accompanied by fond memories for Yunho, and he wonders if this will be any different.

He watches as Jaejoong shrugs off the heavy coat he is wearing, exposing his shoulders before he turns around to face Yunho.

Jaejoong is topless, wearing nothing but a pair of snakeskin leather pants slung low on his hips, the jacket, and what looks like the top half of the devil’s pitch fork or something painted on his abdomen.

One blink, and that topless man is sitting astride his lap.

His makeup is thick, and his lined eyes accentuating the anger within them.

“The very worst part of you…” Jaejoong sings with the music as his hands caress the back of Yunho’s neck, fingers twining around his hair. “…is me.”

“No.” Yunho shakes his head, understanding enough as the singer’s eyes flash. “It’s just a song, Jaejoong.”

“Nothing I sing is just a song.”

“You didn’t choose this song.”

“Yes, I did.”

“I thought the PDs said she chose the song?”

Jaejoong’s hand cards up the back of Yunho’s hair, and he fists it slowly, eyes baleful as he stares at the younger man gazing a little worriedly back at him. He leans forward, pressing his mouth against Yunho’s. “This is not the song I’ll be singing. I needed to get in the mood, and this song has been playing non-stop in my dressing room.”

Yunho tries to lick at Jaejoong’s mouth, but the hand fisting the back of his head tightens painfully as he is tugged away. He stares up into the glittering eyes of the lead singer, now rock god, and he shivers imperceptibly.

Jaejoong feels it though as his hand tightens even more and he tilts Yunho’s head back, his lips ghosting along his jawline.

“Let me take back my life, I’d rather be all alone,” he growls against his ear, before dropping his voice to whisper very quietly.

So quietly Yunho almost misses it.

“Let me be Hero for now. I love you, Yunho.”

Yunho’s body relaxes instantly, not realizing how tense he’d been. Jaejoong’s words ring a little too true to his ears, especially after their talk last night. Jaejoong had to dig far down to bring up the feelings he is expressing, not to mention the anger. He cannot help but agree with the singer’s words about their head writer though in that instance.

He watches as Jaejoong stands, allowing the man to cup his jaw as he tilts his head back to gaze up at him.

Jaejoong’s words are soft, echoing with the loud music, and Yunho feels it more than he hears it.

The breathy words against his mouth as Jaejoong’s hand tightens around his throat.

”The very worst part of you…is me.”












AN1: I'm kinda hoping this will be the last you'll see of the head writer hahaha! Cos if you see her it means more changes and god, I don't want anymore about as much as they do OTL

AN2: Btw, addressing a comment I got for ch14a. I never EVER claimed to be a concise writer. I ramble a lot. What you get is mostly my stream of consciousness with a loose plot and a vague idea. I have no clue why you’re still reading if this bothers you so. I don’t like tying myself down to specifics and prefer to let my muses do whatever they want. I wrote this in less than 3 hours on the plane. I’d like to see you try and write something in that time and put it out there for people to read. I don’t have to write, and I certainly don’t have to share my writing. This goes for everyone reading this, alright? I find non-AU really hard to write because I’m making a million assumptions about their behavior and I seriously hate making assumptions. I need to address the group dynamic somehow while toeing the line of reality. Maybe other writers find this easy, but I don’t. There should be a Dummies Guide to Writing Non-AU DBSK or something T___T Non-AU YunJae is not just about them but the people around them. The people who protected them and the people who continue to protect them. If you dislike the fact that I’m addressing them as well, then please feel free to read something else.

I love you for updating. Going to read now!

This is wonderful. I like the head writer a lot. I'm assuming her name is Nikki. (At some point I think Hero should wear that fabulous pink jacket Jaejoong designed.)

I loved the way you wove Paradise into the story. It is such a fabulous song. And the video from Saturday's concert with Jae in tears mouthing the last of the lyrics makes me think of Hero and Jaejoong.

Since I'm working on a non-AU fic myself, I totally agree with you about the difficulty of it. I feel bad when I turn a dusting of snow into several inches so the story can be more fun. (And I'm writing about a period of time before I became their fan. Ugh.) I love that you're addressing the issues of how their bandmates have protected them. The story of Junsu finding Jae drunk at the piano is heartbreaking, and so close to Hero's own story.

OK. It's midnight and I am rambling. I will reread this again tomorrow. Thank you for the Sunday night gift!



Edited at 2013-11-04 05:54 am (UTC)

If I could show you a reaction video of me reading this... I was so unf at that Jaejoong pic, and super excited when he crawled into bed with Yunho, but when they started talking, oh how I wanted to cry! I sounded like a kicked dog when he started singing paradise. Just thinking of how this would be as a drama makes me ask WHY CAN'T THIS BE A REAL SHOW? WHY ISN'T THIS REAL LIFE?

The best, really the best.
So much emotions T^T

AHHHHH

a beautiful sexy bedtime story!!!

*hugs you*

i love it!

CAN I JUST LOVE YOU? This is everything I expect from a non au fic and I'm feeling oddly overwhelmed by emotions after rereading this whipe fic in one sitting ;_; I HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS T^T I just love how this is as much as an ot5 fic as it is a yunjae fic because as you said, non au yunjae is not only about but the people around them. Like that time when Junsu thought he was protecting yunjae on television but was not. I think you are writing non au dbsk really well regardless of what other might say. Keep up the good job! And thank you so very very much for sharing this piece of work with us ♥ And that nameless head writer very much reminds me of you :p What with the care she shows amidst all the snark. Once again, thank you! ♥♥♥

Thankyou for update~~~ :)
yunjae yunjaeeee yunjaeeeee!! will love them more and more.. :') and wOw, the head writer is cool~~ LOL

jae is really getting into character.
and i do like the new writer crankiness...lol she is definitely a yunjae pusher.

everyone is beginning to heal slowly not just yunjae, but also chunsumin as well.

thanks for the update.

mouth drying at the butt cheeks... Yoochun should really read first :))))
teared up at yunjae in bed because it only just occurred to me that Paradise really is about them (or it could be about someone else but Yunho is a far better candidate)
;_;
lel i'm gonna assume that was you as the head writer :)))
awesome update!

Damn Jae has to open his vault....I can already feel the pain.

ohh...i love u so much ms. head-writer ^^
(i'm still assuming u're the head writer btw)
the bed scene made me cry like a broken faucet. paradise only is enough to make me cry, paradise combined with an angst you wrote is heart wrecking.
and you're a great writer...don't let other people's sayings make you think otherwise. you have tons and loads of faithful readers to show for that. anyone who doesn't like your writing style could just leave in peace and find another fic to read *shrugs
thank you for the update nikki <3

Nikki! First let me just say I love how you wrote yourself into this! LOL Seems like you couldn't see Jaejoong in Seoul so you decided to go mess with them in person in your fic? Hahaha so funny! xD I think Changmin will kill you if you write that blowjob into the script lmao!

Okay reading from the top, loved Jae ignoring the "wall" and climbing in with Yunho LOL but then they started to talk and I got hit with a huge wave of feelings. I love how you write their interactions. It was sad and painful, but at the same time loving and tender the way they talked. And the way Yunho holds Jae like he is the most precious thing in the world, oh gosh my heart! I teared up as soon as Jae started to cry, but the actual tears didn't start until this:

"The smile that becomes more and more fragile as 2009 loomed on them. A smile that becomes more and more like a mask, hiding the torment within.

Till it gets to a point where Jaejoong can smile no more."

T.T Then that song, and Yunho being lonely even when surrounded by people...more tears through that whole section. I love the way you used Paradise here, Yunho's responses were so sweet. ♥

There were more parts I liked too but I can't remember them all! Every single part is good, as usual.^^ Thanks for sharing your amazing stories!

Edited at 2013-11-04 08:01 am (UTC)

That new writer is soooooo familiar. That no nonsense yet passionate, spunky attitude sure reminds me of cough*you Nikki*cough.

The cuddling in bed is both angsty and sweet. I'm really happy Yunjae's talking things out, telling each other what they think and feel.

Lol at Yoochun and his fear of butt exposure. Maknae's break down :(

Edited at 2013-11-04 08:01 am (UTC)

Love the yunjae bed scence, I have to actually go back and re-read because I have missed some chaps, dealing with finials but I just wanted to comment..

yey!atlast an update...i keep on refreshing ur page and i almost shout for joy when this happen!!!! thank you so much!

things are getting out of hands or are they getting the right pathway? i wonder~

?

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