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All skin and no shame

...innocence is just an illusion...

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And November rolls around again. I had an epic meltdown a few days ago, and it took several hours for me to realise the root of the problem.

The 11th.

It's like everyone seems to just regress into what they were twenty years ago. My angry father, my disbelieving grandparents, my emotionally wrecked aunts and uncles.

And then there's me.

Running around the casket and smiling at everyone because I know my Mama is in a better place.

I'm not smiling now.

Twenty years to this very day
The memory of you hasn't faded away
Swings, laughter, a place in the sun

The phone calls are the same
The anger still there
But i'm used to it now, Mama
Really, I am

Do you see what your little girl has become?
Do you feel proud when you look down upon me?
Do I make you smile for surely heaven has no tears?
But then again this is me

Round and round the ragged rock
The ragged rascal ran
How many Rs are there in that?
Tell me quickly if you can

There are no Rs in that, Mama. Please don't be silly.

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I has me a minor meltdown last night myself.lying in bed trying to sleep, brain wouldn't shut off and started wondering about what ifs that made me cry, go downstairs where the hubby was watching tv and cuddled up next to him so he could hold me and let me cry.

I still have both my parents, and I'm already so afraid of losing them. I cannot say I've been there, because I can only imagine, and I already don't want to do that...

Be strong. Life goes on, a day at a time.


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