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All skin and no shame

...innocence is just an illusion...


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11.11.13
YJ01
beeswaxing


And November rolls around again. I had an epic meltdown a few days ago, and it took several hours for me to realise the root of the problem.

The 11th.

It's like everyone seems to just regress into what they were twenty years ago. My angry father, my disbelieving grandparents, my emotionally wrecked aunts and uncles.

And then there's me.

Running around the casket and smiling at everyone because I know my Mama is in a better place.

I'm not smiling now.

Twenty years to this very day
The memory of you hasn't faded away
Swings, laughter, a place in the sun
Gone

The phone calls are the same
The anger still there
But i'm used to it now, Mama
Really, I am

Do you see what your little girl has become?
Do you feel proud when you look down upon me?
Do I make you smile for surely heaven has no tears?
But then again this is me

Round and round the ragged rock
The ragged rascal ran
How many Rs are there in that?
Tell me quickly if you can

There are no Rs in that, Mama. Please don't be silly.



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Having gone through my own experiences and meltdowns recently, I feel there are no words I could say to make you feel better. That makes me sad since reading everything you write brings joy and happiness to me. I hope your OH and your family are there to comfort you. ~Nika

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